I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small! — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
