When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I took my dog for a walk... all the way from New York to Florida... I said to him "There now you're… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
