Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I was born by Caesarian section . . . but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up.… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.” — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them. — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
