House Quotes by Jay Leno

Barack Obama's mother-in-law might be moving into the White House with him. Joe Biden was right. Hostile forces will test him in…

— Jay Leno

It's casual Friday, which means that at the White House, they're casually going through everybody's phone calls and records.

— Jay Leno

The White House softball team played the pro-marijuana lobbyists' team and lost 25-3. Still no word yet on which side President Obama…

— Jay Leno

Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.

— Jay Leno

Martha Stewart is now under house arrest. So she'll go to her $40 million 153-acre estate. So she's going from the big…

— Jay Leno

It’s being reported that the economy lost 95,000 jobs in September. And that’s just people leaving the White House.

— Jay Leno

House Speaker John Boehner says President Obama should have clearly outlined his exact plans before bombing Libya. Apparently it's only Iraq where…

— Jay Leno

While President Bush was out of town Hillary Clinton stopped by the White House on Friday for an important meeting with her…

— Jay Leno

At the G-20 summit, the White House accidentally listed a phone-sex line for journalists seeking an on-record briefing call for Secretary of…

— Jay Leno

For years President Obama has been saying that no one would lose their healthcare plan. Now the White House has admitted that…

— Jay Leno

Congratulations to Mexico. They upset Brazil to win a gold medal in men's soccer. And after the Olympics ended, the Mexican soccer…

— Jay Leno

John Kerry's victory over Howard Dean has completely changed the presidential race around. Now instead of the rich white guy from Yale…

— Jay Leno

President Bush is now focusing on jobs. I think the one job he's focusing most on is his own. The White House…

— Jay Leno

The White House is defending President Obama's sports activities over the past week, saying that everyone needs leisure time. Thanks to these…

— Jay Leno

The White House approved an exemption in Obamacare coverage for Congress and members of their staff. Members complained that the Affordable Care…

— Jay Leno

President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner have agreed to play a round of golf together. Imagine the two of them at…

— Jay Leno

The big story now is that President Bush is coming under attack for his service in the National Guard. The White House…

— Jay Leno

The big rumor going around is, we may begin bombing Iraq. Or, as the White House calls it, Operation Keep Enron Off…

— Jay Leno

These White House scandals are not going away anytime soon. People in Kenya are now saying he's 100 percent American. That's how…

— Jay Leno

According to a survey in this week's Time magazine, 85% of Americans think global warming is happening. The other 15% work for…

— Jay Leno

Well, Joe Biden has done it again. He showed up at the White House Passover Seder with a bunch of ham sandwiches.

— Jay Leno

Good news. President Bush is creating thousands of new jobs. Unfortunately, all of them are at the White House.

— Jay Leno

President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner played golf this weekend. Obama’s handicap is Joe Biden.

— Jay Leno

The White House is now urging Americans not to 'read too much' into last week's jobs report. In fact, they said it…

— Jay Leno

Ex-convicts prepared the eggs for the White House’s Easter Egg Roll. It’s nice to see the White House reaching out to former…

— Jay Leno

John Kerry has promised to take this country back from the wealthy. Who better than the guy worth $700 million to take…

— Jay Leno

John McCain said that Barack Obama is already measuring the drapes in the White House. That's what he said. I understand Sarah…

— Jay Leno

This week the White House proposed fingerprinting and photographing foreign visitors so they can do background checks. Officials in Saudi Arabia said…

— Jay Leno

The White House has finally found one guy that kinda remembers serving with President Bush in the National Guard. Now they just…

— Jay Leno

We are in a code orange. Homeland Security said earlier today that everyone should have a roll of duct tape and plastic…

— Jay Leno

The White House has now released military documents that they say prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big…

— Jay Leno

Barack Obama's daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking…

— Jay Leno

Well, it looks like John Boehner will be the new Speaker of the House. He is the son of a bartender, one…

— Jay Leno

Here's the latest from the Pentagon -- the generals are worried that the White House is spreading itself thin by trying to…

— Jay Leno

A petition to have Justin Bieber deported got over 100,000 signatures, which means the White House now has to legally rule on…

— Jay Leno

President Obama had lunch with Republican leaders at the White House today and had to do without salt, pepper and butter. Not…

— Jay Leno

The longest-serving Republican Senator, Alaska's Ted Stevens, found guilty just a few hours ago on all charges in his corruption trial. Do…

— Jay Leno

The White House says that the unemployment rate is good news because it means more people are looking for jobs. More good…

— Jay Leno

Former U.S. House Majority Leader, Tom DeLay, has been sentenced to three years in prison. One year for money laundering and two…

— Jay Leno

The White House begun airing their TV commercials to re-elect the president, and the John Kerry campaign is condemning his use of…

— Jay Leno