According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other 50 percent think it isn't. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The difference between Men and Women is that Men love The 3 Stooges, and Women think they're assholes. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra. Now, I'm no expert, but isn't that a horse? — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
One critic in the L.A. Times said John Kerry looks like he is thinking too much. Well this is one place President… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs, I didn't think they were all going to be tax collectors. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
I tried to log on to the Obamacare website today. I don't think I'm doing it right. I lost 300 bucks playing… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
If you think of life as like a big pie, you can try to hold the whole pie and kill yourself trying… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
A lot of people are now criticizing Attorney General John Ashcroft for his policy on detaining what he considers suspicious people. I… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
As you may have heard, the U.S. is putting together a constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? Think… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Bill Maher and I are on against each other, and we're friends. He can do my show any time he wants, and… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
In South Korea, a scientist considered to be one of the pioneers in the field of cloning has been sentenced to two… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
According to USA Today, 74 percent of Americans plan to hand out candy this Halloween. Although President Obama thinks it should be… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
President Obama signed a bill preventing members of Congress from profiting from insider trading. Didn't you think that was already illegal? — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
According to a survey in this week's Time magazine, 85% of Americans think global warming is happening. The other 15% work for… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
A new study finds that women use their whole brain when listening and men only use half of their brain. You see,… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
A new study shows that the child population in San Francisco is dwindling and in fact San Francisco has the smallest share… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
If you're a car salesman, and someone says "This is a terrible car, I'm not buying it," it doesn't mean they hate… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
General Colin Powell shocked a lot of people in Washington by speaking out against President Bush's policies, saying that the world is… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Political analysts say that President Bush's re-election strategy is to try and convince Americans that he's a war president. I don't get… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Well, President-elect Barack Obama and his family are gonna spend the holidays in his home state of Hawaii. And you know who… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Those two pilots that sped 150 miles past their Minneapolis destination have been suspended. They got suspended because they were looking at… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The FBI announced today that they are now looking for Osama bin Laden's financial adviser. You think this guy is in demand.… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Now, I have a Halloween mask I think you might get a kick out of. That's scary. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Rick Santorum is so conservative; he thinks KY Jelly is jam made in Kentucky. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
I think Donald Trump and Jeb Bush are the frontrunners. It's kind of like the race between the tortoise and the bad… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree...and think 25 to life would be appropriate. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
If Arnold is elected, you know who I'd feel sorry for? The people on death row. Imagine, you're about to be executed,… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Sarah Palin has admitted she tried marijuana several years ago, but she did not like it. She said it distorted her perceptions,… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
It's fun when you're driving, and people wave at you, and you wave back. I think you either like people or you… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
I'm a staunch Independant. Every time I think I am a Republican, they do something greedy, and every time I think I… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The reigning Miss Canada has been arrested for punching out another woman in a bar fight.Quite frankly, I think it's refreshing to… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
A new poll says that if the election were held today, both John Kerry and John Edwards would beat President Bush by… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Sen. Joe Biden, on the day of announcing his candidacy for president of the United States, called Barack Obama the first mainstream… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The Supreme Court has ruled that anybody can be strip-searched for any kind of arrest. That's something to think about the next… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
A congressman actually apologized to BP's CEO for the way the company has been treated. How stupid are you when the CEO… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
President Bush stopped off at a bass pro fishing store to pick up a fishing reel, some line and some rubber worms.… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Bush is smart. I don't think that Bush will ever be impeached, 'cause unlike Clinton, Reagan, or even his father, George W.… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
If you restore a car, and you're making money, then you're doing it wrong. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
There is a nationwide shortage of drugs for Attention Deficit Disorder. The FDA says they're not sure how it happened. I guess somebody wasn't… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
“Leno said the rainy weather in California "couldn't have come at a worse possible time. Today was the day NBC was supposed to burn… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Donald Trump said he will not decide about a possible run for the presidency until after the current season of Celebrity Apprentice wraps up.… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
American forces in Iraq found $650 million in American cash sealed in a hidden cottage. See, this is why President Bush wants to invade… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea. I'm only six feet… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Texas Gov. Rick Perry referred to the Mexican city of Juarez as the most dangerous city in America. In his defense, he probably just… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The Mayans have predicted the world is supposed to end on December 21. If the world doesn't end on December 21, you can bet… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The Globe reports that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il raises money by selling fake Viagra pills. What it is about this guy? None of… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
