Today Quotes by Jay Leno

It's cold out. It's even cold in Florida. So cold today that Katherine Harris put on a third layer of makeup.

— Jay Leno

I tried to log on to the Obamacare website today. I don't think I'm doing it right. I lost 300 bucks playing…

— Jay Leno

My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic?

— Jay Leno

Today is February 14th - St. Valentine's day. Women call it Love day, while men name it as Extortion day.

— Jay Leno

Today Arnold Schwarzenegger made another major announcement. He said his lieutenant governor will be Xena, Warrior Princess.

— Jay Leno

President Bush called Arnold to congratulate him today, and after he got off the phone, Arnold said, 'I thought my English was…

— Jay Leno

How many have seen that Osama bin Laden footage? Pretty scary. In fact, today, NBC ordered 13 more episodes.

— Jay Leno

The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won't solve the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt.

— Jay Leno

John Kerry said today he wants to debate President Bush once a month. Hey good luck, if Bush couldn't make it to…

— Jay Leno

A Newsweek poll said if the election were held today, John Kerry would beat Bush 49 percent to 46 percent. And today,…

— Jay Leno

President Obama was in Disney World today where he unveiled his new plan to create jobs. He was joined by Mickey Mouse…

— Jay Leno

A dead body was discovered this week on the grounds of a country estate owned by Queen Elizabeth. The queen said today…

— Jay Leno

More warnings issued by all branches of the government today that another terrorist attack is imminent. We're not sure when, we're not…

— Jay Leno

As you know, today was Don't Take Your Illegal Immigrant To Work Day here in Los Angeles. No, all across the nation…

— Jay Leno

Today the Justice Department released e-mails where Walker criticized America. In the e-mails he said he never wanted to set foot in…

— Jay Leno

Today, President Barack Obama promised to 'detect and pursue' American tax evaders, as opposed to his first 100 days, in which he…

— Jay Leno

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin pardoned a turkey, though she said she was amazed to find out that, besides being a bird, Turkey…

— Jay Leno

The FBI announced today that they are now looking for Osama bin Laden's financial adviser. You think this guy is in demand.…

— Jay Leno

The big story now is that President Bush is coming under attack for his service in the National Guard. The White House…

— Jay Leno

President Obama announced this week that he is going to start sending out his own messages personally on Twitter. And today Anthony…

— Jay Leno

The Obama administration has admitted that under Obamacare, you might not be able to keep your doctor. At first the president guaranteed…

— Jay Leno

Services were held today for Ken Lay - convicted thief and crook Ken Lay.They folded his arms across his chest and sowed…

— Jay Leno

In a speech earlier today President Bush said if Iraq gets rid of Saddam Hussein, he will help the Iraqi people with…

— Jay Leno

U.N. officials said today they desperately need $7 billion to help people cope with disasters, but they're having a hard time getting…

— Jay Leno

There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our bandwagon.

— Jay Leno

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

— Jay Leno

Howard Dean dropped out of the race today. At least he can't claim his voice wasn't heard.

— Jay Leno

President Bush has urged people to get back to normal and today Congress announced that they are accepting bribes again.

— Jay Leno

Now this really annoys me: All these people getting on the Internet and saying Nostradamus predicted this. If Nostradamus were alive today…

— Jay Leno

Today the Secretary of State said that of the 247 candidates, so far 115 of them have been certified. How embarrassing is…

— Jay Leno

We are in a code orange. Homeland Security said earlier today that everyone should have a roll of duct tape and plastic…

— Jay Leno

USA Today reports that the number of death row executions this year has hit a 35-year low. They attribute that to DNA…

— Jay Leno

Pundits are saying that President Obama is starting to lose support among his own party. To give you an idea of how…

— Jay Leno

President-elect Barack Obama is starting to get an idea of just how hard his new job is going to be. Today, he…

— Jay Leno

That American Taliban kid Johnny Walker was indicted today. Ten counts of terrorism. He could get 5 life sentences. In Taliban terms,…

— Jay Leno

You see the pictures in the paper today of John Kerry windsurfing? He's at his home in Nantucket this week, doing his…

— Jay Leno

Major heat wave in India - 122 degrees today. It was so hot people in India were sweating like Americans waiting to…

— Jay Leno

Oscar nominations came out today. Up for best actor, Sean Penn for 'Mystic River,' Jude Law for 'Cold Mountain,' and of course,…

— Jay Leno

Today, you get better performance from a Ford Focus than a Ferrari from the mid-70s. [The Focus] is just as fast and…

— Jay Leno

Actually, Joe Biden looked pretty good. In fact, Joe's popularity has gone from 1% to 2% last week to 3% today. At…

— Jay Leno