Clinton Quotes by Jay Leno

Clinton's pet Labrador, Buddy, is getting neutered. The dog will never have sex again. Overnight, they've turned Buddy from a Democrat into…

— Jay Leno

I guess you heard, Hillary Clinton has a new campaign slogan: "I've fallen and I can't get up!"

— Jay Leno

Forty million Americans smoked marijuana; the only ones who didn’t like it were Judge Ginsberg, Clarence Thomas and Bill Clinton.

— Jay Leno

They say if the warming trend continues, by 2015 Hillary Clinton might actually thaw out.

— Jay Leno

Did you know Bill and Hillary Clinton were born under the same sign? Know what sign? 'For Sale.'

— Jay Leno

More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, he never sleeps in the same place two nights in…

— Jay Leno

President Clinton and President Obama played a round of golf over the weekend. President Clinton asked Obama what his handicap was, and…

— Jay Leno

A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. At least when Clinton screwed…

— Jay Leno

Hillary Clinton said she hopes America is ready for a woman in the Oval Office. That was the great thing about her…

— Jay Leno

President Bush and Bill Clinton both agree that cloning is morally wrong. Clinton said that he thinks humans should be made the…

— Jay Leno

At the G-20 summit, the White House accidentally listed a phone-sex line for journalists seeking an on-record briefing call for Secretary of…

— Jay Leno

The New York Times is reporting that back in the '60s, presidential candidate Howard Dean used a letter from a doctor about…

— Jay Leno

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton is now facing a kind of personal dilemma. She can't decide whether to drop the name Clinton from…

— Jay Leno

Hillary Clinton's opponent in the U.S. Senate race, the Republican she's going to be running against, has been married three times, had…

— Jay Leno

Hillary Clinton is getting a little bit of controversy because she has the most expensive hometown office rent - over $500,000 a…

— Jay Leno

Well, the big story -- Hillary Clinton will be running for president in 2008. You know why I think she's running? I…

— Jay Leno

A second Homeland Security official has been arrested, a 49-year-old guy named Frank Figueroa, he was caught exposing and fondling himself to…

— Jay Leno

John Kerry is recovering nicely after having prostate surgery. But the doctors did tell him it would be several months before he…

— Jay Leno

Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic athlete. But she was not athletic enough. She said she…

— Jay Leno

While President Bush was out of town Hillary Clinton stopped by the White House on Friday for an important meeting with her…

— Jay Leno

Isn't this amazing? Clinton is getting $8M for his memoir, Hillary got $8M for her memoir. That is $16M for two people…

— Jay Leno

Bin Laden was once targeted by President Clinton. President Clinton wanted to kill him but couldn't get him. Of course not, we…

— Jay Leno

According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh.…

— Jay Leno

When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs, I didn't think they were all going to be tax collectors.

— Jay Leno

The report on climate change said that humans are very likely making the planet warmer. To which Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, can't…

— Jay Leno

Clinton vetoed the repeal of the marriage tax. I guess Bill figures if he's married, then we all have to suffer.

— Jay Leno

President Clinton says he looks forward to the day a citizen can call the IRS and get the right answer to a…

— Jay Leno

John Kerry was the big winner in Iowa. Ted Kennedy introduced Kerry as the 'comeback kid.' That used to be Bill Clinton's…

— Jay Leno

As you all know by now, Barack Obama sent out a cell phone text message at 3 a.m. on Saturday morning to…

— Jay Leno

I guess we didn't even officially apologize. Jesse Jackson called on the United States to officially apologize to the Chinese. Jesse said,…

— Jay Leno

There is a new book out about Hillary Clinton that claims Bill is still having affairs but Hillary continues to look the…

— Jay Leno

As you may have heard, former President Bill Clinton says he's coming here to California to help Governor Gray Davis in his…

— Jay Leno

Gray Davis got some good news this week: the Clintons are out here in California campaigning for him. Actually, Hillary is campaigning…

— Jay Leno

In an unlikely pairing, Hillary Clinton made an appearance this week with Newt Gingrich to push a health care plan. The press…

— Jay Leno

While visiting Kenya, former President Clinton was offered 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter, Chelsea, by a love struck government…

— Jay Leno

People made a big deal out of the fact this is the first time a sitting president has done a late-night show.…

— Jay Leno

Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George…

— Jay Leno

It is day two of the Democratic convention, and apparently they had a huge lighting problem in the convention hall today. They…

— Jay Leno

The Democratic Leadership Council has named Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton to design a plan to help define an agenda to the Democratic…

— Jay Leno

President Bush fell off his mountain bike down on his ranch in Texas. A couple weeks ago, John Kerry fell off his…

— Jay Leno