55% of all Americans lose their remote control 5 times a week. That means that they must see the same show for… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
There is a video out now on how to please men. Here's tip number 1: Just show up! — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Show business is like Champagne. You'll appreciate it more if you don't drink it everyday — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
We had President Obama on the show last night. I think the president enjoys visiting NBC because we're the only place that… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
You know, it shows how old I am. I can remember the good old days when the president picked the Supreme Court… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Statistics show 50% of the people use the internet. The rest have sex with real people. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
In People magazine, Madonna said her life has been exhausting since she started her world tour. She said there isn't a second… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Oliver North says he is very upset that John Walker could come back to this country and cash in on his celebrity… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
If you're a car salesman, and someone says "This is a terrible car, I'm not buying it," it doesn't mean they hate… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
People made a big deal out of the fact this is the first time a sitting president has done a late-night show.… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Schwarzenegger said last night on the show he expects his opponents to throw all kinds of dirt at him. And you know,… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Bill Maher and I are on against each other, and we're friends. He can do my show any time he wants, and… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
A new study shows that American students are becoming less proficient in science, and if the trend continues, we will become a… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
I watched that new reality show on ABC with Charlie Gibson, 'America's Next Top Vice President.' ... Oh, what an exciting show… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Seems there's a big debate going on about whether a new TV commercial for Minute Maid orange juice portrays Popeye and Bluto… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The big story now is that President Bush is coming under attack for his service in the National Guard. The White House… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
It's fun when you're driving, and people wave at you, and you wave back. I think you either like people or you… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Donald Trump said he will not decide about a possible run for the presidency until after the current season of Celebrity Apprentice… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
When a candidate walks away from a reality show, that's when you know they're serious about being president of the United States. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Show business pays you a lot of money because eventually you’re gonna get screwed. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Scientists are complaining that the new dinosaur movie shows dinosaurs with lemurs, who didn't evolve for another million years. They're afraid the… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Did you hear about this 20-year-old kid named John Walker from Northern California who was apparently fighting for the Taliban?... It didn't… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. At least when Clinton screwed… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The entire spring and summer line from Marc Jacobs was stolen on the way to the fashion show in Paris. The thief… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
John Kerry said today he wants to debate President Bush once a month. Hey good luck, if Bush couldn't make it to… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Presidential Democratic front-runner Howard Dean admitted to Chris Matthews on the 'Hardball' show that he got out of the draft because of… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
There's this big pie in show business, and you physically can't eat the whole pie. If you give everybody a slice of… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The first lady said about her husband, 'I could take up a whole afternoon talking about his failures.' And today she was… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
I always tell new people in show business. I say, "Look, show business pays you a lot of money, because eventually you're… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
John Kerry says that he wants to debate President Bush once a month until the election. This could be a risky move… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
According to a recent study, ten percent of 'Star Trek' fans meet the psychological criteria for addiction. Deprived of their favourite show,… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
A new study shows that the child population in San Francisco is dwindling and in fact San Francisco has the smallest share… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Jesse Jackson's in trouble. They're going after this tax thing. Jesse said he will amend his taxes to show the money that… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
A man in Florida has been arrested for wearing a President Obama mask while robbing a McDonald's. To show you how good… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Here at work, obviously, I make the most money of anyone on the show, so I try to be the first one… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
If you restore a car, and you're making money, then you're doing it wrong. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
There is a nationwide shortage of drugs for Attention Deficit Disorder. The FDA says they're not sure how it happened. I guess somebody wasn't… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
“Leno said the rainy weather in California "couldn't have come at a worse possible time. Today was the day NBC was supposed to burn… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Donald Trump said he will not decide about a possible run for the presidency until after the current season of Celebrity Apprentice wraps up.… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
American forces in Iraq found $650 million in American cash sealed in a hidden cottage. See, this is why President Bush wants to invade… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
I wanted to have a career in sports when I was young, but I had to give up the idea. I'm only six feet… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
Texas Gov. Rick Perry referred to the Mexican city of Juarez as the most dangerous city in America. In his defense, he probably just… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out. — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The Mayans have predicted the world is supposed to end on December 21. If the world doesn't end on December 21, you can bet… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
The Globe reports that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il raises money by selling fake Viagra pills. What it is about this guy? None of… — Jay Leno Copy Share Image
