There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I got a call from my mom today, she says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get the 'Tonight Show' again,' — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You folks like TV, you watch a lot of TV? There's a show right here on CBS, it's a huge hit. It's… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do you remember when you found out there was no Santa Claus? I was so upset I didn't think I'd be able… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
My good friend Paul Shaffer and I are going to continue in show business. Next month Paul and I will debut our… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'll be honest with you. It's beginning to look like I'm not going to get 'The Tonight Show.' — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Earlier today, we got a call from Stephen Hawking. He's a genius, and after 6,028 shows he ran the numbers and he… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
A lot of issues were on the ballots. In New York City there was Proposition 14. That would put a ceiling on… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney was a guest on 'The Tonight Show' on NBC. It's interesting — you have an empty suit trying to please… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Don't worry about me. I plan to continue to be in show business. I have already been booked to be in a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I knew that if I woke up hung over, I couldn't do the best possible job on the show, so I had… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The latest polls show that Arnold Schwarzenegger is trailing Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante in the polls. That's insane. I mean, think about… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Bill Murray is on the show tonight. Next week I'll be Goggling 'foods that improve prostate health.' — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Donald Trump is on the show tonight. Donald is a big man, I think 230 pounds -- 235 with cologne. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Critics of the Wall Street protesters claim that they have old ideas, nothing new, and they're never going to work. Wait a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Back when we started this show, the hottest program on television was 'Keeping Up With the Gabors.' — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I don't mind being accused of being a bad comedian and I don't even mind being accused of being a bad talk-show… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Privately I think that I'm not really somebody who has a network television show. Celebrities are other people - Johnny Carson and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Tomorrow is our final show. That is unless it rains, and then there will be a rain delay. We'll probably make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mayor de Blasio wants to eliminate garbage. He believes New York City produces way too much garbage. Well, heck, forget about producing… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The creepy stuff was that I have had sex with women who worked for me on this show. Now, my response to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, 'That show doesn't have a chance.' The other… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Once you're president, you can't go anywhere without causing trouble. President Obama shows up in China, he's chewing gum, they go crazy.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
