Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there?… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I love the protests. And if you think about it, what better way to send a message to Wall Street than by… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We're learning more about Osama bin Laden. His father was married 16 times, and he has five wives. I think we're getting… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The best part about holiday parties is the alcohol. You have a couple of drinks and you tell your coworkers and your… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Howard Dean was endorsed by former Vice President Al Gore and now he is getting advice from Al Gore. And I'm thinking,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do you remember when you found out there was no Santa Claus? I was so upset I didn't think I'd be able… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know, Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska, you know that. And she's a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The FCC has delayed the decision on the Time/Warner Comcast merger. So how do you think those folks like being put on… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Bill Clinton has a brand new book coming out in a few months and the Democrats are worried that the Clinton book… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I think O.J. protests too much. Not only did he say he didn't carve the holiday turkey, but he was in the… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
When you think about flying, it's nuts really. Here you are at about 40,000 feet, screaming along at 700 miles an hour… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Have you folks been following the controversy with John Kerry and his service in Vietnam and the Swift Boat campaign? It all… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Over the weekend, John Kerry - the big John Kerry juggernaut moves on - he won primaries in Washington D.C., Nevada and,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know, Barack Obama the last ten days was traveling overseas campaigning in Europe and everywhere. It was so successful, campaigning abroad,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
George W. Bush has a new campaign slogan: "A reformer with results." I don't know what it means [but] I think it's… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Bad news, it's going to be a huge environmental disaster, the oil rig down there in the Gulf of Mexico. The good… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama, by the way, is, I think, making his first presidential European trip. And while he's there in Europe, he plans… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
To label Jason Randal a magician does a disservice. You'll think the laws of physics, nature, the universe itself have been suspended.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The latest polls show that Arnold Schwarzenegger is trailing Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante in the polls. That's insane. I mean, think about… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Donald Trump is on the show tonight. Donald is a big man, I think 230 pounds -- 235 with cologne. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two creative spirits in a relationship, I don't think that's the best way to go. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I think you can use some of those words on TV. But one thing you can't do is throw coffee, I've said… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Bill Clinton may in fact be moving back into the White House. And coincidentally I'm thinking about moving back into my mother's… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
