New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
John Walker, while he was in Afghanistan, told people his goal was to have four wives. ... Do we need any further… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Interesting survey in the current Journal of Abnormal Psychology: New York City has a higher percentage of people you shouldn't make any… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney said that he liked to fire people. Well, there's a pretty good message to send to Middle America. When Rick… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
And tar is washing up onto the beaches - big globs of tar. And people are saying, 'Is that going to ruin… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Today is tax day. A lot of people are hoping they get refunds. And that's just the folks here in the audience. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Sarah Palin was delivering a speech and she said 'refudiate.' It's not a word – you have refute and repudiate, and she… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There was a flight from Cleveland to New York City with just two people on board. There hasn't been two people on… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I wish the iPhone people would design one that's black and has two pieces, and it plugs into the wall and you… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Barack Obama said he may negotiate with the Taliban. A lot of people are saying okay, but be careful. But I said… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The mayor of Sochi is now saying that there are no gay people in Sochi. So the only thing that is flaming… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Privately I think that I'm not really somebody who has a network television show. Celebrities are other people - Johnny Carson and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
When we started the show, there were mixed responses. Half of the people said, 'That show doesn't have a chance.' The other… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Are you getting a big kick out of the Enron scandal? I find this interesting that whenever a big crisis starts, people… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The reason I vote Democrat is because I think it's better to pay billions for oil to people who hate us, but… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I don't like stand-up comedy that requires a lot of props. I really respect people who can walk out onstage alone and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mayor de Blasio said that whenever he goes to a Yankee game he gets sick and tired of people booing and giving… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Labour day is a great American holiday that people celebrate by going out and buying products made in China — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
