Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama is in China. Today he visited the kids who make our cellphones. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind? — David Letterman Copy Share Image
How would Trump travel as president? Obviously, he'd use Hair Force One. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama is going to take two weeks to unwind, as opposed to President Bush, who never wound. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Bush says he now wants to simplify the tax code. Only those in the blue states will pay. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
John Kerry says that foreign leaders want him to be president, but that he can't name the foreign leaders. That's all right,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
But down in Florida in the early voting, there were computer glitches, confusing ballots, long lines and chaos. And when President Bush… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney is not going to be running for president. So you know what that means. We are getting closer and closer… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
CIA Director George Tenet has now testified before the 9/11 commission and he said we are still making the same dumb mistakes,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The White House says that the vacation in Texas will give President Bush the chance to unwind. My question is, when does… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It looks like President Bush will be handing over power to the Iraqis by June 30th. That's amazing and not only that,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Here's why Sarah Palin says she won't be running for president. She says she can be more effective at getting others elected… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Over the weekend, of course, down there in Washington, D.C., they had the big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do you know who… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
A new survey indicates that Obama supporters love iPhones. So if you have an iPhone, chances are you are going to be… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. And if you want… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Monday is President's Day and former President Bill Clinton is very excited. He is taking George Bush, Sr. to 'Hooters'. ... George… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Former governor of Alaska, Sarah Palin, is promoting her new book and she's going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey Show. Sarah… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Today is the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. President Lincoln wrote it on his way to the site of the speech on… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Ted Cruz could be president of the United States. If you thought the Secret Service was drinking before — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, 'Don't worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Did you folks see President Bush's State of the Union Address? How about that surprise announcement? Howard Dean has been captured and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Last night we had Bill Clinton, the former president. Security was as tight as Governor Christie's yoga pants. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
They're saying President Obama doesn't have any friends. The problem is that he can't get Congress to approve one. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Guess who's running for president? Jeb Bush. Jeb was governor of Florida and he speaks fluent Spanish, which raises the question: What… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah. ... Bush insisted… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Bush announced that the war in Iraq has been won. It's all over, it's been won. I believe this would be… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Yesterday, the Senate voted to approve President Clinton's decision to send troops to Bosnia. And they voted to change the name of… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It was announced that President Obama and his wife, when they're finished in Washington, are moving to New York City. The guy… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Jeb Bush may run for President. Bush presidencies are like 'Caddyshack' movies. They should have stopped with one. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
