President Obama is in China. Also in China is evil Russian dictator Vladimir Putin. They're both in China at the same time.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Donald Trump is attacking President Obama's background. And I said, 'Wait a minute, Trump also is from a mixed background. He's half… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama and his wife are going to Kenya. Donald Trump said, 'While you're there, pick up your birth certificate.' — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Here's good news: George W. Bush says that he is committed to fighting global warming. Yeah, well, he nipped that in the… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Bush insisted that there was nothing in the August 6th, 2001 briefing, which was titled 'Bin Laden determined to attack the… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Sarah Palin was delivering a speech and she said 'refudiate.' It's not a word – you have refute and repudiate, and she… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Paul Ryan announced that after a lot of thought, and talking it over with family and friends, that he is not going… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she's too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I heard this today and I thought this was fascinating and interesting. President Bush has two daughters, two beautiful daughters, and they… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Once you're president, you can't go anywhere without causing trouble. President Obama shows up in China, he's chewing gum, they go crazy.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Bush says he is looking forward to the testimony of Condoleezza Rice. Yes, he is very excited about Condoleezza Rice's testimony… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
