Some good news. Finally, President Bush is going to do something about global warming. He became alarmed when another chunk of ice… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
John Kerry told Tom Ridge he was too busy to receive a Homeland Security briefing. I thought that was odd, since you're… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That's not the Donald Trump I know. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama, by the way, is, I think, making his first presidential European trip. And while he's there in Europe, he plans… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There's a rumor that President George Bush had a nose job, that he had some kind of plastic surgery, that he actually… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Donald Trump is talking about running for president. He hasn't made an announcement, but I want to tell you something. The fake… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
People are kind of upset with British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward. Over the weekend, he was out on his yacht. And when… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You probably heard about the big prisoner swap with Cuba. A man who has been incarcerated in Havana for five years is… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama's trying to work out a nuclear deal with Iran, and the Republicans are steamed. They got together and sent Iran… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama says he wants to put an end to the policy, 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' Yeah, in the military. This is… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Well, we're just a couple of weeks from new President Barack Obama being sworn in. And he's been very busy naming a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama is sending a couple hundred troops to Iraq. We spent six years trying to figure a way to get out… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know, Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska, you know that. And she's a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Former President Bill Clinton is on the program tonight. He says that while his wife runs for president, he would like to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Today was opening day for the new Congress in Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden swore in the new batch of White… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he is sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Our guest tonight is Michelle Obama, first lady of the United States. She's here to announce her run for president. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the Gulf. And I'm thinking, good… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney is running for president again. That will be attempt No. 3. Well, everybody needs a hobby. He's almost certainly running,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
New Republican Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman is fluent in Chinese. In a short period of time the Republicans have come quite a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
But I was thinking about this, the Obamas want to adopt a stray dog from the pound. And I think that is… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Howard Dean was endorsed by former Vice President Al Gore and now he is getting advice from Al Gore. And I'm thinking,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It turns out that President Obama has acid reflux. He had a sore throat, went to the hospital, and they diagnosed it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Bush says now he is sticking to his plan for handing over power to the Iraqis on June 30. It's also… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
One of the dogs in the competition, a Portuguese Water Dog, is related to President Obama's dog, Bo. But they only see… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Bush met with former President Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter is 76 years old, or as Democrats call him 'their bright new star… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Hillary Clinton is running for president. This time around, she promises to be warm and approachable. Like me. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It's amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Term-inator. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
By accident Jeb Bush announced that he was running for president. And then he said, 'No, not yet. OK, I made a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Al Gore has endorsed Howard Dean for president. That's pretty fitting, the guy that didn't beat Bush endorsing the guy who won't… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Political pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key states: dazed and confused. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama and his family are spending the holidays in Hawaii, and while they're gone, they got a fence jumper to house… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Texas Senator Ted Cruz announced he is running for president. Ted Cruz was born in Canada, his father fled to the United… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Former President Bush, to celebrate his 80th birthday, jumped out of an airplane. And if you've seen the polls, you know he's… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney is not going to run for president. Mitt said it's time for fresh faces. So that's good news for Bruce… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He's going to keep travelling until he finds his birth certificate. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
