You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Howard Dean was endorsed by former Vice President Al Gore and now he is getting advice from Al Gore. And I'm thinking,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You folks like TV, you watch a lot of TV? There's a show right here on CBS, it's a huge hit. It's… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
John Walker, while he was in Afghanistan, told people his goal was to have four wives. ... Do we need any further… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's interesting what former presidents do when they leave office. Bush is now working as a motivational speaker. And if you want… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Rick Perry, started out like a ball of fire from Texas and then he started to drop and now he's retooling. He's… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind? — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney is quite a guy. At one point he and his wife bought a zoo and fired all the animals. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Newt Gingrich says he wants to get rid of Social Security. Who is more qualified to give this country financial advice than… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Today Mitt Romney is 68 years old. It's kind of sad, a 68-year-old guy with no job, no future - wait a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Jeb Bush has to distance himself from what they call the Bush brand. So he keeps saying, 'I am my own man.'… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
George W. Bush has a new campaign slogan: "A reformer with results." I don't know what it means [but] I think it's… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know who's also joining the Wall Street protesters? Kanye West. That's a real good idea -- a guy with diamonds in… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Al Gore has endorsed Howard Dean for president. That's pretty fitting, the guy that didn't beat Bush endorsing the guy who won't… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It was announced that President Obama and his wife, when they're finished in Washington, are moving to New York City. The guy… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The latest polls show that Arnold Schwarzenegger is trailing Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante in the polls. That's insane. I mean, think about… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
John Boehner - doesn't he look like every guy you've ever seen at a hotel bar? He looks like the kind of… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The White House says that the vacation in Texas will give President Bush the chance to unwind. My question is, when does… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I like Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy who comes with the picture frame. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Barack Obama said he may negotiate with the Taliban. A lot of people are saying okay, but be careful. But I said… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
