I gave my father a heart attack. It was a practical joke. Come on, you push a guy's face in a cake… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
There's a one in six billion chance you'll find your soul mate. And that's if they're not dead. At best they're probably… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or... You have an… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
In 1998, in Laramie, Wyoming, two guys beat up Matthew Shepard and left him on the side of the road hanging on… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Losing builds character. You know who said that? A loser! Guy who got his ass stomped every day, basketball, football, baseball, lose,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Hey! D'you guys hear Dr. Atkins died? Slipped on some ice, hit his head, died on life support. The man who invented… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My mom was crazy. And her mom was crazy. And her mom's mom was crazy. Is it my turn? Am I going… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Everybody's a racist. It's the one human trait that makes us all exactly the same. Deep down, we only like people who… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My mom was a manic depressive schizophrenic who, after a year in prison, went home and shot herself. My sister, Kirsten, an… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Blood doesn't make you family. Hell, an only child can bleed. It's the sharing of pain that makes you family. 'Cause, you… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
They call it torture when our guys put underwear on a guy's head, stripped him naked, put an egg between his buttcheeks… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My dad invented road rage. He wasn't the first guy to get mad in the car, but he was first guy to… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear the day their parents kill. My mum killed a guy,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Of course, here's the weird part. After I fought my dad, all of a sudden we're buddies now. Like he's my friend… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
The Los Angeles Times reported that sixty-three percent of American families are now considered dysfunctional. Good. 'Cause that means when Armageddon really… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Normal people, who grow up with compassion, never amount to anything. They're the ones who end up gluing those little dots on… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. Just make sure you clear the bold move with… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My mom had this inate ability. Whatever town my mother moved to, the second she walked into town, she would instantly attract… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that! — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how bad could… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
