My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that! — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
If you ask my dad for help... he'll help. Like a vulture helps an over-run armadillo on a Texas highway. One peck… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
If you want to do something dangerous... Don't tell your girlfriend! — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. George Washington, took on the British Empire. Neil Armstrong… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Life, is easy. And if yours isn't, quit whining. Oh, wait. unless you're just a head amd then, you do have it… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I think our collective psychosis is hilarious. With the world moving as fast as it is, if we weren't dysfunctional, we couldn't… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
There's a one in six billion chance you'll find your soul mate. And that's if they're not dead. At best they're probably… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Losing builds character. So, if you're the loser in your family, don't worry. 'Cos twenty years form now, that perfect can do… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Here's the thing: If you're so far left you actually believe that somebody owes you a job, citizenship and a heart transplant,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Blood doesn't make you family. Hell, an only child can bleed. It's the sharing of pain that makes you family. 'Cause, you… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
How far would you go for someone you love ? I heard this story, about this woman, who actually lifted a car… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
You know what, man? I am going to literally — if (Palin) gets elected president, I am going to hang out on… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My mom was a manic depressive schizophrenic who, after a year in prison, went home and shot herself. My sister, Kirsten, an… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
They call it torture when our guys put underwear on a guy's head, stripped him naked, put an egg between his buttcheeks… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test scores, it only bumps us… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
It should be a law. Everybody should legally own a gun. In fact, if you're caught outside your house without your gun,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father, never chooses me for anything. If you needed a kidney and I offered him mine, well, pfft. Well, he'd take… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
So what if your custom car shop tanks and you've gotta take a crappy job at an auto parts store, dealing with… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear that their parents are going to live forever. Showing up… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. Just make sure you clear the bold move with… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Being a parent is a life sentence. You see, that's why normal people should not have children because if you raise a… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
There's a one in six billion chance you're gonna find your soul mate. But, maybe, your perfect soul mate is actually three… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
This country you're sitting in right now was not built on love, hugs, time-outs and trophies you didn't earn. This country was… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that! — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how bad could… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
