Sometimes, to help the people you love, you've gotta commit a felony. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
We don't have home movies in my family. We have people's exhibit A. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
And people get so weird about mental illness, you follow the rules! You don't up a heart patient on a roller coaster,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man!… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My mum is in a mental hospital. There's a fine line between genius and insanity. Winston Churchill, Mozart, John Lennon. These people… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
How come Mom is crazy and I'm not? Well, it's possible my mom could stand up in front of this many people… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Everybody has hope for the perfect love. Normal people are raised to believe that there's someone out there who's your soulmate, your… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My dad got divorced six times. Well, he actually only got divorced five times. He wouldn't divorce the sixth one 'cause he… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Thanksgiving is a holiday that brought together two different cultures. The pilgrims came here with the best intentions. They decided to flee… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Everybody's a racist. It's the one human trait that makes us all exactly the same. Deep down, we only like people who… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
We're looking for answers in a landfill instead of looking to people who bring the light. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Of course, here's the weird part. After I fought my dad, all of a sudden we're buddies now. Like he's my friend… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. Screwed-up people start wars that could kill millions. Normal people settle fights through cookies, cakes, and… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
So what if your custom car shop tanks and you've gotta take a crappy job at an auto parts store, dealing with… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Normal people terrify me, because they haven't had enough problems in their life to know how to handle problems when they come… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear the day their parents kill. My mum killed a guy,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Normal people, want to be accepted. Screwed up people, want to be accepted. It's one of the few things we have in… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear that their parents are going to live forever. Showing up… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
So it seems that because of every syndrome and disorder we've invented in the past twenty years, the Los Angeles Times reported… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Normal people, who grow up with compassion, never amount to anything. They're the ones who end up gluing those little dots on… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. Just make sure you clear the bold move with… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Being a parent is a life sentence. You see, that's why normal people should not have children because if you raise a… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
There's a one in six billion chance you're gonna find your soul mate. But, maybe, your perfect soul mate is actually three… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that! — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how bad could… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
