My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that! — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
And one more thing I want to be clear about- I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
By the way, six A.M.? Not a real great time for me; you know, I'm a comic. I get off work at… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Fathers and sons are natural enemies. Look at any species. Shark, sees his father in the water, he's not thinking, Hey dad,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
You know what, man? I am going to literally — if (Palin) gets elected president, I am going to hang out on… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Life, is easy. And if yours isn't, quit whining. Oh, wait. unless you're just a head amd then, you do have it… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Humans are born, small, weak and helpless. That's why we have family. And the elders of the family are the honoured guardians… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Blood doesn't make you family. Hell, an only child can bleed. It's the sharing of pain that makes you family. 'Cause, you… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
When I was seven, I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest with my mom. When Jack Nicholson was strapped to the… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Sometimes, to help someone you love, you have to commit a felony. But, you don't want to go to prison for that.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Thanksgiving is a holiday that brought together two different cultures. And things might not always work out like you think they should.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Divorce is just about change, you know. It's God saying, You need a change. And I'm going to make it so your… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
In a crisis, my family puts aside all its petty differences and hatreds... Because a crisis, is a perfect opportunity to create… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Losing builds character. So, if you're the loser in your family, don't worry. 'Cos twenty years form now, that perfect can do… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Losing builds character. You know who said that? A loser! Guy who got his ass stomped every day, basketball, football, baseball, lose,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
When you screw up, you got to pay the price. Shoot up a supermarket, you go to jail. Ride a motorcycle without… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I have a dream. With that one sentence, Martin Luther King touched and empowered an entire nation. You know what else he… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Valentines Day is the day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. And when she's happy,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
There's one in every family. When the police calls in the middle of the night and says "We've got a family members… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
They call it torture when our guys put underwear on a guy's head, stripped him naked, put an egg between his buttcheeks… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My mom had this inate ability. Whatever town my mother moved to, the second she walked into town, she would instantly attract… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I swore I would never get involved in my dad's life. But then he started blowing it. So I had to get… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Being a parent is a life sentence. You see, that's why normal people should not have children because if you raise a… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that! — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how bad could… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
