Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Everybody's a racist. It's the one human trait that makes us all exactly the same. Deep down, we only like people who… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Fathers and sons are natural enemies. Look at any species. Shark, sees his father in the water, he's not thinking, Hey dad,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Hey! D'you guys hear Dr. Atkins died? Slipped on some ice, hit his head, died on life support. The man who invented… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
You know what, man? I am going to literally — if (Palin) gets elected president, I am going to hang out on… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man!… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My dad also survived five divorces, and the women he married cleaned his ass out every time. I used to think my… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
This horrible decade where all of us men tried to be individual rebels... by wearing the exact same flaming skull on a… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
The day I'm in England performing, English security let a man in a Batman suit climb Buckingham Palace. I felt so much… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
So it seems that because of every syndrome and disorder we've invented in the past twenty years, the Los Angeles Times reported… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father, never chooses me for anything. Unless he needs a human shield. Thirty years and all I am to him is… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that! — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how bad could… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
