Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
We are brought into this world cold, weak, and helpless. Then it gets worse. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
No problem is so big and difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
The government favors the most diplomatic language. That's why any letter to them should always start with, "Dear turkeys and foul maggots..." — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Revenge is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the hippies. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. Screwed-up people start wars that could kill millions. Normal people settle fights through cookies, cakes, and… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that! — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how bad could… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
