If you ask my dad for help... he'll help. Like a vulture helps an over-run armadillo on a Texas highway. One peck… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, "Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!" — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Dad thinks vengeance is the coolest thing about the Lord. That, and turning water into alcohol. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Denial is a powerful weapon. My dad taught me mind over matter. No matter how hurt I got, he didn't mind. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women love my dad,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I'm glad I was raised by my dad for other reasons, too. There are things you can learn from a father, as… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
The closer you get to death, the more alive you feel. Dylan Thomas wrote, Do not go gentle into that good night.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Of course, here's the weird part. After I fought my dad, all of a sudden we're buddies now. Like he's my friend… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My mum is in a mental hospital. There's a fine line between genius and insanity. Winston Churchill, Mozart, John Lennon. These people… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
To be successful in life, there are many hurdles you have to get over. For me, the biggest hurdle to success has… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Humans are born, weak and helpless. We're cursed with natural predators called parents. That's why the grandma was created. To protect us.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father, never chooses me for anything. Unless he needs a human shield. Thirty years and all I am to him is… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
In a crisis, my family puts aside all its petty differences and hatreds... Because a crisis, is a perfect opportunity to create… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
When you screw up, you got to pay the price. Shoot up a supermarket, you go to jail. Ride a motorcycle without… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
There's a one in six billion chance you'll find your soul mate. And that's if they're not dead. At best they're probably… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Fathers and sons are natural enemies. Look at any species. Shark, sees his father in the water, he's not thinking, Hey dad,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I can't stop some idiot from crashing into a building or blowing up a bus, I can only be your dad and… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Your first leader is your dad. 'course he controls your food and shelter, so, he's not really a leader, he's more of… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Normal people, want to be accepted. Screwed up people, want to be accepted. It's one of the few things we have in… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Everybody's a racist. It's the one human trait that makes us all exactly the same. Deep down, we only like people who… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My dad also survived five divorces, and the women he married cleaned his ass out every time. I used to think my… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My dad's full of encouragement and support. It just feels like abandonment and neglect. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My dad's all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I guess it wasn't… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My dad invented road rage. He wasn't the first guy to get mad in the car, but he was first guy to… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My mom shot and killed her last husband. Yeah, my dad used to say "Hey, dodged that bullet. Ha ha." — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Dad is a new person. A person who has learned that forgiveness is better then revenge. Next year, we'll teach him that… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My dad got divorced six times. Well, he actually only got divorced five times. He wouldn't divorce the sixth one 'cause he… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
The towers fell, and the first thing that went through my head was my dad's voice: 'Well, you brought a new life… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Everybody has hope for the perfect love. Normal people are raised to believe that there's someone out there who's your soulmate, your… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My parents got divorced. Early and ugly. My mum was nuts so I lived with my dad. We used to play a… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Growing up, road trips with Dad were something I hated. Sitting still for hours, singing that stupid song, "100 bottles of beer… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
How far would you go for someone you love ? I heard this story, about this woman, who actually lifted a car… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I had a real job at fourteen years old. At seventeen, I was on my own. At twenty, I cut the liver… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that! — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how bad could… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
