If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Anyone look back at their high school career and just shudder at what you got away with and didn't die? — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
After President Obama, President Rodriguez... What's the worse that can happen? The border problem gets solved and the White House lawn looks… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I swore I would never get involved in my dad's life. But then he started blowing it. So I had to get… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My mom was crazy. And her mom was crazy. And her mom's mom was crazy. Is it my turn? Am I going… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
There's a one in six billion chance you'll find your soul mate. And that's if they're not dead. At best they're probably… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Valentines Day is the day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. And when she's happy,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Fathers and sons are natural enemies. Look at any species. Shark, sees his father in the water, he's not thinking, Hey dad,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear the day their parents kill. My mum killed a guy,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Losing builds character. So, if you're the loser in your family, don't worry. 'Cos twenty years form now, that perfect can do… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that! — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how bad could… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
