There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or... You have an… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I had a real job at fourteen years old. At seventeen, I was on my own. At twenty, I cut the liver… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Losing builds character. So, if you're the loser in your family, don't worry. 'Cos twenty years form now, that perfect can do… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My mom was a manic depressive schizophrenic who, after a year in prison, went home and shot herself. My sister, Kirsten, an… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. But it all changes after that. You get a great car,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father, never chooses me for anything. Unless he needs a human shield. Thirty years and all I am to him is… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. Peer pressure, acne, final exams, seven little tiny hairs on your… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Dad is a new person. A person who has learned that forgiveness is better then revenge. Next year, we'll teach him that… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I do not need help destroying my relationship. I was raised by my father. I've completed a thirty-year seminar on the power… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
The Times Square Incident wasn't a terrorist attack, it was a Jim Carrey movie. The terrorist locked the keys to the safe… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear that their parents are going to live forever. Showing up… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
So it seems that because of every syndrome and disorder we've invented in the past twenty years, the Los Angeles Times reported… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that! — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how bad could… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
