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Portrait of Christopher Titus

Christopher Titus

(1964) Comedian United States

198 quotes in 1282 categories

Christopher Titus offers 198 unapologetically honest reflections on the messiness of life. His humor is raw, his stories personal, and his insights often hit close to home.

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Christopher Titus is a comedian from the United States, best known for The Transition from Technocracy to Aristocracy in Japan, 1955-2003.

Quick Facts About Christopher Titus

Born: October 1, 1964
Nationality: United States
Profession: Comedian
Notable works: The Transition from Technocracy to Aristocracy in Japan, 1955-2003

About Christopher Titus

Christopher Titus is an American comedian, podcaster, and actor. He was the star, executive producer, and co-creator of the eponymous Titus sitcom on FOX from 2000 to 2002. His life experience with a dysfunctional family is a common topic of his stand-up comedy.

Biography source: Wikipedia

Quotes by Christopher Titus

Jealousy - the Auschwitz of emotions.

Christopher Titus

Auschwitz

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Benadryl - the seven-dollar babysitter.

Christopher Titus

Babysitter

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Born free. Taxed to death.

Christopher Titus

Born

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Step up or step aside.

Christopher Titus

Aside

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Pope John Paul didn't die - he pre-boarded.

Christopher Titus

Dies

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Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire.

Christopher Titus

Failure

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If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man.

Christopher Titus

Ifs

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My parents' divorce settlement involved a bar tab.

Christopher Titus

Bars

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Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.

Christopher Titus

Booty

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I lost 28 pounds in my divorce…because that's what a soul weighs.

Christopher Titus

Divorce

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Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same.

Christopher Titus

Makes

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My random acts of violence weren't random. They were premeditated.

Christopher Titus

Acts of violence

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For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure.

Christopher Titus

Failure

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Satan called - he's changed the sheets, fluffed the pillows and laid out the complimentary chocolate. Hell is ready for John Edwards.

Christopher Titus

Changed

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How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions.

Christopher Titus

Church

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Martha Stewart's a convicted felon and they gave her another television show. What's next, the Scott Peterson Fishing Hour?

Christopher Titus

Felon

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Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man!…

Christopher Titus

50th birthday

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They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad.

Christopher Titus

Battle

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A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women love my dad,…

Christopher Titus

Bigs

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Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make…

Christopher Titus

Accept

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Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is…

Christopher Titus

Girl

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I got divorced from my wife on June 6, 2006. Yeah, 6-6-06, which coincidentally, was when my wife turned into a demon…

Christopher Titus

Anus

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Sometimes, to help someone you love, you have to commit a felony. But, you don't want to go to prison for that.…

Christopher Titus

Armed robbery

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My father, never chooses me for anything. If you needed a kidney and I offered him mine, well, pfft. Well, he'd take…

Christopher Titus

Choose me

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I have a dream. With that one sentence, Martin Luther King touched and empowered an entire nation. You know what else he…

Christopher Titus

Dream

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It should be a law. Everybody should legally own a gun. In fact, if you're caught outside your house without your gun,…

Christopher Titus

Amendment

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I wish we had a relationship Starbucks cuz that's where you make it perfect. You can get everything perfect at Starbucks. If…

Christopher Titus

Date

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My father, never chooses me for anything. Unless he needs a human shield. Thirty years and all I am to him is…

Christopher Titus

Best man

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If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. George Washington, took on the British Empire. Neil Armstrong…

Christopher Titus

Airport security

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Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear that their parents are going to live forever. Showing up…

Christopher Titus

Boys

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Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. But it all changes after that. You get a great car,…

Christopher Titus

Being a teenager

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Valentines Day is the day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. And when she's happy,…

Christopher Titus

Angry

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Everybody's a racist. It's the one human trait that makes us all exactly the same. Deep down, we only like people who…

Christopher Titus

Beats

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Normal people, want to be accepted. Screwed up people, want to be accepted. It's one of the few things we have in…

Christopher Titus

Acceptance

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How come Mom is crazy and I'm not? Well, it's possible my mom could stand up in front of this many people…

Christopher Titus

Caliber

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My mom was a manic depressive schizophrenic who, after a year in prison, went home and shot herself. My sister, Kirsten, an…

Christopher Titus

Alcohol

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Normal people, who grow up with compassion, never amount to anything. They're the ones who end up gluing those little dots on…

Christopher Titus

Abandoned

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Revenge is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the hippies.

Christopher Titus

Animal

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Does anyone ever shudder with the crap that you pulled off and didn't die?

Christopher Titus

Crap

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Participation trophies are the soul herpes of a generation.

Christopher Titus

Generation

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Christopher Titus by topic

Dad (43) My dad (30) Knows (30) Ifs (30) People (27) Parenting (22) Father (21) Life (20) Guy (20) Family (17) Men (16) Wells (15) Normal (14) Mom (14) Years (13) Thinking (13) Parent (13) Hey (13) Philosophy (12) Dies (12) Philosophical (11) Love (11) Looks (11) Littles (11) Kids (11)