Skip to content

Portrait of Christopher Titus

Christopher Titus

(1964) Comedian United States

198 quotes in 1254 categories

Christopher Titus is a comedian from the United States, best known for The Transition from Technocracy to Aristocracy in Japan, 1955-2003.

Quick Facts About Christopher Titus

Born: October 1, 1964
Nationality: United States
Profession: Comedian
Notable works: The Transition from Technocracy to Aristocracy in Japan, 1955-2003

About Christopher Titus

Christopher Titus is an American comedian, podcaster, and actor. He was the star, executive producer, and co-creator of the eponymous Titus sitcom on FOX from 2000 to 2002. His life experience with a dysfunctional family is a common topic of his stand-up comedy.

Biography source: Wikipedia

Quotes by Christopher Titus

My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that!

Christopher Titus

Dies

Image

Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is…

Christopher Titus

Girl

Image

I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are…

Christopher Titus

Both sides

Image

My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding…

Christopher Titus

Beer

Image

Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every…

Christopher Titus

Best friend

Image

Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head.

Christopher Titus

Dollars

Image

All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes…

Christopher Titus

Backing up

Image

Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family.

Christopher Titus

Cactus

Image

Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire.

Christopher Titus

Failure

Image

When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how…

Christopher Titus

Bad guy

Image

If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man.

Christopher Titus

Ifs

Image

Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy.

Christopher Titus

England

Image

Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered…

Christopher Titus

Beer

Image

The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies.

Christopher Titus

Knows

Image

Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!

Christopher Titus

Built

Image

I think our collective psychosis is hilarious. With the world moving as fast as it is, if we weren't dysfunctional, we couldn't…

Christopher Titus

Collectives

Image

The yearbook voted me most likely to be scraped off an onramp by a puking fireman.

Christopher Titus

Fireman

Image

Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make…

Christopher Titus

Accepting

Image

My dad's all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand…

Christopher Titus

Babysitter

Image

And one more thing I want to be clear about- I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer…

Christopher Titus

Arrogant

Image

My mom was crazy. And her mom was crazy. And her mom's mom was crazy. Is it my turn? Am I going…

Christopher Titus

Baby

Image

If you ask my dad for help... he'll help. Like a vulture helps an over-run armadillo on a Texas highway. One peck…

Christopher Titus

Armadillos

Image

Here's the thing: If you're so far left you actually believe that somebody owes you a job, citizenship and a heart transplant,…

Christopher Titus

Believe

Image

How far would you go for someone you love ? I heard this story, about this woman, who actually lifted a car…

Christopher Titus

Baby

Image

By the way, six A.M.? Not a real great time for me; you know, I'm a comic. I get off work at…

Christopher Titus

Comic

Image

Christopher Titus by topic

Dad (43) My dad (30) Knows (30) Ifs (30) People (27) Parenting (22) Life (20) Guy (20) Father (17) Family (17) Men (16) Wells (15) Normal (14) Mom (14) Years (13)