If you want to do something dangerous... Don't tell your girlfriend! — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
And one more thing I want to be clear about- I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
And my daughter's too smart. She gets it watching TV. She gets it. She's five. She gets it. I... I have a… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. George Washington, took on the British Empire. Neil Armstrong… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Sometimes, to help someone you love, you have to commit a felony. But, you don't want to go to prison for that.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My dad got divorced six times. Well, he actually only got divorced five times. He wouldn't divorce the sixth one 'cause he… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Your first leader is your dad. 'course he controls your food and shelter, so, he's not really a leader, he's more of… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Normal people, want to be accepted. Screwed up people, want to be accepted. It's one of the few things we have in… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. Just make sure you clear the bold move with… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that! — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how bad could… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
