Two Quotes by Christopher Titus

10 Two quotes by Christopher Titus

Titus’s humor about the concept of two lands in ten punchy lines, mixing sarcasm with everyday observations. The short set offers a quick chuckle for anyone who enjoys his candid, off‑beat take on paired situations.

Rate this collection: ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ No ratings yet

Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!

Christopher Titus

Image

Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and…

Christopher Titus

Image

By the way, six A.M.? Not a real great time for me; you know, I'm a comic. I get off work at…

Christopher Titus

Image

In 1998, in Laramie, Wyoming, two guys beat up Matthew Shepard and left him on the side of the road hanging on…

Christopher Titus

Image

There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or... You have an…

Christopher Titus

Image

Thanksgiving is a holiday that brought together two different cultures. And things might not always work out like you think they should.…

Christopher Titus

Image

Thanksgiving is a holiday that brought together two different cultures. The pilgrims came here with the best intentions. They decided to flee…

Christopher Titus

Image

Valentines Day is a day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. Yeah, when you're happy,…

Christopher Titus

Image

I can't stop some idiot from crashing into a building or blowing up a bus, I can only be your dad and…

Christopher Titus

Image

Valentines Day is the day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. And when she's happy,…

Christopher Titus

Image

Other authors on Two

More by Christopher Titus

My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that!

Christopher Titus

Image

Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the…

Christopher Titus

Image

I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest.…

Christopher Titus

Image

My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer.…

Christopher Titus

Image

Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after…

Christopher Titus

Image

Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head.

Christopher Titus

Image

All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on…

Christopher Titus

Image

Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family.

Christopher Titus

Image

Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire.

Christopher Titus

Image

When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how bad could…

Christopher Titus

Image

If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man.

Christopher Titus

Image

Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy.

Christopher Titus

Image

Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember.

Christopher Titus

Image

The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies.

Christopher Titus

Image

Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!

Christopher Titus

Image