Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?! — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
By the way, six A.M.? Not a real great time for me; you know, I'm a comic. I get off work at… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
In 1998, in Laramie, Wyoming, two guys beat up Matthew Shepard and left him on the side of the road hanging on… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Thanksgiving is a holiday that brought together two different cultures. And things might not always work out like you think they should.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Valentines Day is a day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. Yeah, when you're happy,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Thanksgiving is a holiday that brought together two different cultures. The pilgrims came here with the best intentions. They decided to flee… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or... You have an… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Valentines Day is the day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. And when she's happy,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I can't stop some idiot from crashing into a building or blowing up a bus, I can only be your dad and… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that! — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how bad could… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
