Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?! — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
By the way, six A.M.? Not a real great time for me; you know, I'm a comic. I get off work at… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. Peer pressure, acne, final exams, seven little tiny hairs on your… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Normal people terrify me, because they haven't had enough problems in their life to know how to handle problems when they come… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Humans are born, small, weak and helpless. That's why we have family. And the elders of the family are the honoured guardians… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
So it seems that because of every syndrome and disorder we've invented in the past twenty years, the Los Angeles Times reported… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I say we spend some money, clean up some junkies and make them all go work for the Red Cross. You ever… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Normal people, who grow up with compassion, never amount to anything. They're the ones who end up gluing those little dots on… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Blood doesn't make you family. Hell, an only child can bleed. It's the sharing of pain that makes you family. 'Cause, you… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that! — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how bad could… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
