We don't have home movies in my family. We have people's exhibit A. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
And me having kids, with my family history? My mom: mentally ill, shot and killed her last husband. My father: six ex-wives,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
There's one in every family. When the police calls in the middle of the night and says "We've got a family members… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake and a party. My family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment and destruction of private property.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Thanksgiving is a holiday that brought together two different cultures. The pilgrims came here with the best intentions. They decided to flee… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
In a crisis, my family puts aside all its petty differences and hatreds... Because a crisis, is a perfect opportunity to create… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
In a normal family, a surprise means presents, cake and a party. For me ? I had no idea. And my family,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that! — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how bad could… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
