Right after the show tonight, I'm going to the New York City car show. You get to see the models that will… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Osama bin Laden... lived in one house for, like, six years with three wives. And earlier today, they ruled his death was… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Yesterday was Chinese New Year. It's the Year of the Rabbit. And here's how dumb I am. I'm still writing the Year… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'll be 50 years old tomorrow and that means, among other things, that now Bob Dole can start telling jokes about me. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's tax season. When I woke this morning and realized it was tax season, I said, My God, didn't we just pay… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, Soon you'll be able to have sex. I said,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The White House has announced that they no longer recognize Fox as a news organization, which puts them about eight years behind… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Over the weekend, of course, down there in Washington, D.C., they had the big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do you know who… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
When I stopped smoking cigars it was the biggest mistake I made in my life. So my resolution for 98 is Im… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The entire island of Martha's Vineyard has gone Obama crazy. There's even a cocktail that they've named after Barack Obama. It's called… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama is sending a couple hundred troops to Iraq. We spent six years trying to figure a way to get out… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful actress. She was, of course, in the movie 'King Kong' and would have been 99-years-old… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You probably heard about the big prisoner swap with Cuba. A man who has been incarcerated in Havana for five years is… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
St. Patrick's Day is the fourth biggest drinking day in America. It's not the biggest. It's right behind New Year's Eve, Fourth… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Today Mitt Romney is 68 years old. It's kind of sad, a 68-year-old guy with no job, no future - wait a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Here's what the kids get. They get free McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, 'The way I look at it,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade has new balloons this year including the Pillsbury Doughboy balloon and the first openly gay balloon. Also… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Let's see what's going on over in Iraq. A Burger King has opened up and prostitutes are back on the street of… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Today is Earth Day. The way I see it, as humans the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I was talking to a friend about Santorum. He said, 'For all my years in the State Department, I know one thing.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
John McCain turned 72 years old last Friday, but the Chinese are making him a birth certificate that says he's only 33… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The general election's taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we're one step closer to being there for another… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Congratulations to Saddam Hussein on being elected to another seven-year term. It was very close. He received 99 percent of the vote,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Stocks are at an all-time high today. I don't have any money in the stock market. I don't have the stomach for… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn't win. But next year, he'll be competing in 'Dancing with the… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Every year when it's Chinese New Year here in New York, there are fireworks going off at all hours. New York mothers… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I knew that if I woke up hung over, I couldn't do the best possible job on the show, so I had… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Kids in Washington every year have the big Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. The kids found 300 Easter eggs.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Bush met with former President Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter is 76 years old, or as Democrats call him 'their bright new star… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Bronco Rick Perry is the first candidate I've ever heard say he's not doing well because he's sleepy. You know, we criticized… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Fifteen years ago tomorrow I had open heart surgery, a quintuple bypass surgery. Thanks to all of my doctors. Because of them,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Sarah Palin was delivering a speech and she said 'refudiate.' It's not a word – you have refute and repudiate, and she… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
