Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, Soon you'll be able to have sex. I said,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama has two years left as president. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets to appoint two new Kardashian husbands. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
President Obama is sending a couple hundred troops to Iraq. We spent six years trying to figure a way to get out… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Congratulations to Saddam Hussein on being elected to another seven-year term. It was very close. He received 99 percent of the vote,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Fifteen years ago tomorrow I had open heart surgery, a quintuple bypass surgery. Thanks to all of my doctors. Because of them,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Today Mitt Romney is 68 years old. It's kind of sad, a 68-year-old guy with no job, no future - wait a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The night before the Olympics opening ceremony, my son, who is eight years old, gets very excited and likes to put out… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Let's see what's going on over in Iraq. A Burger King has opened up and prostitutes are back on the street of… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Every year when it's Chinese New Year here in New York, there are fireworks going off at all hours. New York mothers… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Sarah Palin was delivering a speech and she said 'refudiate.' It's not a word – you have refute and repudiate, and she… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The White House has announced that they no longer recognize Fox as a news organization, which puts them about eight years behind… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The general election's taking place today in Iraq, so I guess that means we're one step closer to being there for another… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade has new balloons this year including the Pillsbury Doughboy balloon and the first openly gay balloon. Also… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I knew that if I woke up hung over, I couldn't do the best possible job on the show, so I had… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Yesterday was Chinese New Year. It's the Year of the Rabbit. And here's how dumb I am. I'm still writing the Year… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney had a horse competing in the Olympics. He didn't win. But next year, he'll be competing in 'Dancing with the… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Kids in Washington every year have the big Easter egg roll on the White House lawn. The kids found 300 Easter eggs.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Today is Earth Day. The way I see it, as humans the very least we can do is recycle. A lot of… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Bush met with former President Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter is 76 years old, or as Democrats call him 'their bright new star… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
The entire island of Martha's Vineyard has gone Obama crazy. There's even a cocktail that they've named after Barack Obama. It's called… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'll be 50 years old tomorrow and that means, among other things, that now Bob Dole can start telling jokes about me. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
John McCain turned 72 years old last Friday, but the Chinese are making him a birth certificate that says he's only 33… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
