So the guy who shot Gadhafi was wearing a Yankees cap. Did you see that? If he'd had a Boston Red Sox… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I think the number one public-relations blunder Osama has made is that he lives in a cave-fortress and if there's one thing… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney has asked Todd Akin to step down. That's too bad. Todd Akin was the guy to lead the Republican Party… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Today is the anniversary of the Gettysburg Address. President Lincoln wrote it on his way to the site of the speech on… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm having trouble warming up to Mitt Romney. He looks like the guy in the restaurant that comes to your table to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mary Keitany from Kenya won the women's race at the New York City Marathon. You can tell she was fast because guys… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
How about this John Kerry controversy? So he's out there in California, tells some kind of joke and it backfires. He's saying… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Presidential candidate Howard Dean is now being attacked for dodging the draft. I never knew this about the guy - but now… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I was talking to a friend about Santorum. He said, 'For all my years in the State Department, I know one thing.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Have you seen the Olympic uniforms? It's for the American Olympic team and it's berets. To me, nothing says America like a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow.… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Mitt Romney looks like a guy modeling briefs on a package of underwear ... He looks like a guy who goes to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I mean you think about the guy, the Nigerian guy, who was going to blow up the plane. He was wearing a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Some Secret Service guys crashed a car into the White House. And they had been drinking when it happened. Actually, they hit… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Recently a guy was having trouble with his computer. So he unplugs it, takes it out in the alley, pulls out a… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
A guy in Pennsylvania was arrested because he was drunk in his golf cart going from bar to bar. So they arrested… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I have nothing against the North Koreans but this Kim Jong Un has got a screw loose. A member of his cabinet,… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
You know Kim Jong Un, the evil dictator of North Korea? Apparently, a guy in his inner circle used his ashtray while smoking and… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
There are a lot of New York City Thanksgiving traditions. For example, a lot of New Yorkers don't buy the frozen Thanksgiving turkey. They… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I can hardly wait until Donald Trump announces his celebrity cabinet. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Experts say this global warming is serious, and they are predicting now that by the year 2050, we will be out of party ice. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I'm worried about John Kerry, he's so confident now that he's already planning his White House sex scandal. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Do I think there is a heaven? Uh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really… — David Letterman Copy Share Image
If it wasn't for coffee, I'd have no discernible personality at all. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
