Humor Quotes by Mitch Hedberg

I have no problem not listening to the Temptations.

— Mitch Hedberg

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

— Mitch Hedberg

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

— Mitch Hedberg

I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."

— Mitch Hedberg

A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

— Mitch Hedberg

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

— Mitch Hedberg

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"

— Mitch Hedberg

Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.

— Mitch Hedberg

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would…

— Mitch Hedberg

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

— Mitch Hedberg

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really…

— Mitch Hedberg

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple!…

— Mitch Hedberg

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.

— Mitch Hedberg

I read that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, such an even number. You would have thought it would be 40,008.

— Mitch Hedberg

I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is…

— Mitch Hedberg

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

— Mitch Hedberg

Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. Then it says on the bottle, do not have more than two. Then why do…

— Mitch Hedberg

As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two…

— Mitch Hedberg

I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm…

— Mitch Hedberg

I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into…

— Mitch Hedberg

I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart with what…

— Mitch Hedberg

Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything.…

— Mitch Hedberg

People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far…

— Mitch Hedberg

I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover…

— Mitch Hedberg

This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available…

— Mitch Hedberg

I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me,…

— Mitch Hedberg

I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. "Hey, Mitch, did you hear…

— Mitch Hedberg

I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. Because that's the maximum amount of time you can…

— Mitch Hedberg

I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to…

— Mitch Hedberg

A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is…

— Mitch Hedberg

I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by…

— Mitch Hedberg

As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to…

— Mitch Hedberg

Tony the Tiger usually thinks that stuff is great.

— Mitch Hedberg

It's hard to fight when you're in a gazebo.

— Mitch Hedberg

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

— Mitch Hedberg

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.

— Mitch Hedberg

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.

— Mitch Hedberg

I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.

— Mitch Hedberg

Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.

— Mitch Hedberg

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

— Mitch Hedberg