Food Quotes by Mitch Hedberg

Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?

— Mitch Hedberg

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

— Mitch Hedberg

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

— Mitch Hedberg

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

— Mitch Hedberg

I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.

— Mitch Hedberg

Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps

— Mitch Hedberg

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

— Mitch Hedberg

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.

— Mitch Hedberg

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

— Mitch Hedberg

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.

— Mitch Hedberg

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.

— Mitch Hedberg

I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

— Mitch Hedberg

Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss

— Mitch Hedberg

I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now…

— Mitch Hedberg

“I will not make you a pastrami, banana bread, cottage cheese sandwich! That would severely ruin my reputation.”

— Mitch Hedberg

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

— Mitch Hedberg

I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart with what…

— Mitch Hedberg

I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover…

— Mitch Hedberg

I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon…

— Mitch Hedberg

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time.…

— Mitch Hedberg

Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything.…

— Mitch Hedberg

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I…

— Mitch Hedberg

I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven.…

— Mitch Hedberg

Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think…

— Mitch Hedberg

I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me,…

— Mitch Hedberg

I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to…

— Mitch Hedberg

I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of…

— Mitch Hedberg

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for…

— Mitch Hedberg

I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so…

— Mitch Hedberg

I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and…

— Mitch Hedberg

I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - "Guess how many jellybeans…

— Mitch Hedberg

You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling…

— Mitch Hedberg

I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti!

— Mitch Hedberg

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

— Mitch Hedberg

I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

— Mitch Hedberg

I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say "tomatoes", then I…

— Mitch Hedberg

I like cottage cheese. That's why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile…

— Mitch Hedberg

I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner.…

— Mitch Hedberg

Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then…

— Mitch Hedberg

I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up,…

— Mitch Hedberg