I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves. It’s kind of sad. Okay you don’t think you’ll ever… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't think stand-up is being appreciated as much as it could be and I don't think it has for a long… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Some comics get drunk before a show. I don't. When I get drunk, I don't want to stand in front of a… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" And… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then? — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to England to tell jokes, and I wanted to tell my Smokey the Bear joke, but I had to ask… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When it comes to racism, you hear people say, "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green." Hold on,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because the plight of onions,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
