Made Quotes by Mitch Hedberg

12 Made quotes by Mitch Hedberg

Mitch Hedberg’s one‑liners thrive on unexpected angles. This short set of twelve quips turns the phrase being made into a playground for his signature dead‑pan absurdity.

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Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!

Mitch Hedberg

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I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

Mitch Hedberg

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Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

Mitch Hedberg

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That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer,…

Mitch Hedberg

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I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!

Mitch Hedberg

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I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Mitch Hedberg

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My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's…

Mitch Hedberg

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If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made…

Mitch Hedberg

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I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought…

Mitch Hedberg

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I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me…

Mitch Hedberg

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My sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family photo on top of the VCR, where they're…

Mitch Hedberg

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This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available…

Mitch Hedberg

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I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I…

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There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with…

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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the…

Mitch Hedberg

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I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.

Mitch Hedberg

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I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.

Mitch Hedberg

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I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in…

Mitch Hedberg

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I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who…

Mitch Hedberg

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I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But…

Mitch Hedberg

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I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

Mitch Hedberg

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What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...…

Mitch Hedberg

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I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

Mitch Hedberg

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I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."

Mitch Hedberg

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I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when…

Mitch Hedberg

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I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This…

Mitch Hedberg

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Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.

Mitch Hedberg

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