Humor Quotes by Mitch Hedberg · Page 3

2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.

— Mitch Hedberg

I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.

— Mitch Hedberg

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.

— Mitch Hedberg

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

— Mitch Hedberg

I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do…

— Mitch Hedberg

I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.

— Mitch Hedberg

I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

— Mitch Hedberg

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.

— Mitch Hedberg

I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?'…

— Mitch Hedberg

I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven.…

— Mitch Hedberg

I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk.…

— Mitch Hedberg

I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey,…

— Mitch Hedberg

I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there…

— Mitch Hedberg

I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's…

— Mitch Hedberg

I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I…

— Mitch Hedberg

I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know…

— Mitch Hedberg

There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach…

— Mitch Hedberg

You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number, but often they'll use too many letters? "Call 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Brand-New-Carpeting."…

— Mitch Hedberg

I ordered a club sandwich, but I'm not even a member. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "Well, so…

— Mitch Hedberg

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for…

— Mitch Hedberg

I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" And…

— Mitch Hedberg

I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block…

— Mitch Hedberg

When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At…

— Mitch Hedberg

I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and…

— Mitch Hedberg

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.

— Mitch Hedberg

I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved.

— Mitch Hedberg

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

— Mitch Hedberg

I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

— Mitch Hedberg

I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.

— Mitch Hedberg

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

— Mitch Hedberg

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!

— Mitch Hedberg

Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!

— Mitch Hedberg

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."

— Mitch Hedberg

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

— Mitch Hedberg

I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried…

— Mitch Hedberg

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.

— Mitch Hedberg

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.

— Mitch Hedberg

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

— Mitch Hedberg

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than…

— Mitch Hedberg

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me - come a little closer!"

— Mitch Hedberg