I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!" — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When you start out in comedy, or probably in a lot of things, you want it to happen fast. You don't want… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have an oscillating fan at my house. It goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "no." So… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm always on the road, and I drive rental cars. Sometimes I don't know what's going on with the car, and I'll… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I wrote a letter to my Dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When you're in Hollywood and you're a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things. All right, you're a stand-up comedian, can… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Earlier I've done hatever I could get my hands on to do for a living. I tried a couple of different things,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I walked by a dry cleaner at 3 am, and there was a sign: "Sorry, we're closed" You don't have to be… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I made $3,000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash. That was a bad situation, because I bought… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
The commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper says it tastes just like regular Dr. Pepper. Well, then they screwed up! — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'! — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!" — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
