Carpet Quote by Mitch Hedberg

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I…

— Mitch Hedberg

There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with…

— Mitch Hedberg

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the…

— Mitch Hedberg

I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.

— Mitch Hedberg

I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.

— Mitch Hedberg

I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in…

— Mitch Hedberg

I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who…

— Mitch Hedberg

I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But…

— Mitch Hedberg

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

— Mitch Hedberg

What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...…

— Mitch Hedberg

I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

— Mitch Hedberg

I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."

— Mitch Hedberg