Criminals Quote by Mitch Hedberg

“If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."”

Mitch Hedberg

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I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I…

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There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with…

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Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the…

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I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.

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I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.

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I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in…

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I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who…

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I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But…

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I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

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What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...…

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I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

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I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."

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More Criminals quotes

We need to incorporate that age-old concept of redemption into the work that we do in the criminal justice system in California.

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They're criminals, they brutalized Afghanistan, they killed our people, they destroyed our land.

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There are over 500,000 registered sex offenders across the country, and statistics have shown that the recidivism rate for those criminals is high.

Jim Sensenbrenner

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Discovering witnesses is just as important as catching criminals.

Simon Wiesenthal

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The proliferation of right-to-carry laws throughout the states has drawn plaintive complaints from the criminal element. They feel that it makes their profession too…

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What most needs explanation is not why some people are criminals, but why most people are not.

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A criminal trial is never about seeking justice for the victim. If it were, there could be only one verdict: guilty.

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There's some criminals that wear badges. Guess what? There's some criminals that work in the media. There's some criminals that are football coaches. There's…

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Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances.

Steven Wright