I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, "I'm mailing those cookies to my friend." So I couldn't have one.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner.… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I don't know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm screwed. But… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know we never give them a chance, what the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street...… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt." — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
