“I poured a compass into my coffee, to give the flavor some direction.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Mr. Pot drank ten pots of coffee, even though I only made eight. That’s a savings of 20%! ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wear brown shirts to protect against the combination of coffee and clumsiness. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Too much coffee has been spilled in the name of war. Let us love and savor every drop.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I bought a five-pound sack of sugar. Now I just need to buy a cup of coffee to dump it in.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My TV’s remote control didn’t have a source of energy, so I poured coffee in it. Now I can read any book… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I sat down to think. I didn’t want to drink my coffee, but I paid for it, so I thought I might… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I love Blue Ribbon coffee, and she loves Red Ribbon coffee. I don’t love her, because how could I love someone who… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My couch is coffee-colored. I can thank Starbucks and clumsiness for that.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I told the joke, but someone else got the high five. That’s like me drinking a cup of coffee and a guy… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d like to build a boat out of those little wooden planks that Starbucks provides to stir your coffee. The boat will… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll bet Ryan Lilly drinks coffee like a flower—a lily. I drink coffee more like two roses and a nose walk into… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A swimming pool full of coffee would be great to jump in first thing in the morning. After all, people often call… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I go house hunting, I use a rather large gun. You should see me fish for the best tasting Starbucks coffee.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You are going to lose your home, your spouse, your life, and all at once, when you die. So why not drink… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My coffee gets increasingly better the more I drink and the closer I come to the bottom of the cup, where all… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If coffee meant vagina, I’d ask you if you wanted cream in your coffee. But it doesn’t mean that, so I’ll just… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Her name was Rebecca. Or at least that’s what her nametag said. She was making my coffee at Starbucks as I admired… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think Starbucks would go out of business if more people were to Superglue their eyelids open when they felt tired.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I drink coffee like other men play basketball. I drink like a woman, and that’s why I use a slightly smaller ball.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best way to wake up is with coffee and an erection. The cool part is one can stir the other.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The bottom of a cup of coffee is not as good as the bottom of her body—which is actually in the middle… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m 32 years old and I’m tired. It’s because I haven’t drank enough coffee. If I had, I’d probably only be 29.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Drinking coffee is like drinking an inverse yawn. I prefer mine with two spoonfuls of “I’m listening.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Flower coffee—less caffeinated, more romantic. I wanted to be with her, but when I was, I felt like I’d rather wither.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make love like I make coffee. Tuesdays and Thursdays I offer free refills. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t need a coffee cup. That’s what hands were invented for. That’s also why I don’t need sex.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I drink sleep, but not like I drink coffee. I chug one and sip the other.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Add some mystery to your morning coffee and stir in some mist. Or go full fog for that #MissMarpleFlavor. Then solve it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The smell of coffee was enough to wake up my neighbors. In a display of gratitude, they complained about my music being… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is a lot like coffee, I once thought as I suckled on a milky nipple. But I was one at the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A bathroom that doubles as an elevator would be a great place to open a coffee shop—but only if it’s a Starbucks.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Jack Black and Betty White should couple and produce Earl Grey. I could go for a cup of tea.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want instant coffee at the snap of my fingers that gives me more energy than that generated by a million snaps.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“At Starbucks I like ordering a “Tall venti in a grande cup.” That’s basically me asking for a small large in a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
