“Jarod Kintz Day—it’s not just my birthday, but it should be a holiday that’s mandatory to celebrate, punishable by death if you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Kick the blanket, don’t kick the bucket—especially if that bucket is full of death (or bricks). ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A tongue, if used the wrong way, can cause serious injury or even death. Politicians are famous for misusing their tongues this… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I only ate popsicles, I wonder if I’d rather freeze or starve to death. Freezing or starving, they’re like either option… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Sure, I’d fake my own death. But only if I had the following items: duct tape, seven slinkies, a parachute, and a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We’re all trying to come to terms with our mortality. Well, except for me, because I plan to live forever through the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There is life, and there is death, and in between there is me. Please don’t wake me up.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I told the tree it was going nowhere in life. It was hurtful, but true. Now, maybe in death it will go… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If a man is choking to death on a bite of steak, there is really only one thing to do—finish eating his… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Someday I want to write a sixteen-syllable Haiku about the death and disappearance of a monosyllabic word.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to save humanity from mortality. Or at least save us from mortar. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is a good thing. Not starving to death is also a good thing. Being in love with a man named Mr.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I'm not afraid of death, I'm just not sure there is life after the honeymoon.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He died a suspicious death. But only because he was a politician, and everything he did was suspicious.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My lucky rabbit's foot has kept me alive all these years. Hopefully it will do so indefinitely. Immortality through sheer luck.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Death cannot stop true love. That’s why it’s pointless for me to try to murder all my adoring female fans.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When thinking about yesterday, contrasted with today, I can’t help but observe that today by definition means I’m one day closer to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My #love stories have happy endings, because I stop the tales before dejection, dementia, and death occur.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“One day I’ll have my appointment with death, and every day I call out to God to see if I can reschedule… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I let go of her memory the moment I let go of her hand. She fell over 500 feet to her death.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Some people sleep their lives away. But I also want to sleep death away. If I sleep long enough, maybe death will… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Death is the only equality guaranteed in life. A poor man will die just as surely as a rich man.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a headstone. Or the instrument that proves “until death do us part” is faster and cheaper… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
