“My wife won’t talk to me, but that’s OK, because it’s not like I’d listen if she did.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am a jealous husband wife, and I feel your pain. All of it, for all of you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A wife is a friend first, a lover second, and third and probably most important, a maid.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wanted a divorce, so I bought myself a house, to give me the incentive to stay married.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I wear my wedding ring I think of her. I also think of my wife.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I just broke up with my girlfriend. My wife will be pleased. But first she’ll be displeased, because she didn’t know I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to save your marriage. But to be honest, I’d recommend saving your marriage in a Tupperware container.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I asked for her hand in marriage, but instead got the whole body. Love is full of surprises!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The only time I’ll eat Italian wedding soup is if I’m wearing a tuxedo and eating with a priest.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Everybody thinks they’re a prophet. They must, or nobody would get married. Or maybe at a 50% divorce rate, only half the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We were getting a divorce. But not from each other. Then we were going to get married. But not to each other.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What’s with the zombie craze? Zombies are half alive, half dead, right? Sounds like my wife in bed.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Divorce is the second worst event in a person’s life. The worst event, of course, is marriage.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to attract a potential life partner. Yes indeed, and it’s how I met my ex wife. And… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My wife died of someone trying to help her. He helped her find her way off a bridge and into a chained… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to save your marriage. If only your spouse is invited under your blanket, then each party feels… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In the 48 hours following my discovery of her infidelity, I found out she’d been with three other guys—two of them being… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You can tell a lot about a person's character by how they do life's menial tasks. For example, I saw my neighbor… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket would be a great surface to print my new book on, so you could read it in bed while you’re… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The question is, If I killed your husband, would you seek revenge, or would you send me a Thank You card? I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He told me he had a wife and daughter, and then he showed me a picture of an 8-year-old girl, to which… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It also must be hard to have a wife like Mrs. Indianapolis. She’s in the fashion industry. She’s not a model or… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s like Mark Twain once said to his wife, Olivia: “How many times do I have to say it—over the top!” He… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Life's too short to take yourself seriously, and too long to take a wife jokingly.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I work as a husband, but I’m also trying to get employment as a neighbor. Sugar anyone?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I murdered all my staff. I’m terribly sorry. I thought they were someone else (my wife).” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My wife is younger. At one point, I was twice her age. Of course, I was six at the time.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I say he has room to grow, but the bride in the canoe might say, “Groom to row.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I got married at a good time, though a better time would have been 20 years from now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My love is like an empty bottle of wine. If you’re wondering, my ex wife drank it all.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
