“I want to be my own wedding singer at my own wedding. But first I’ll have to audition.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I need to get my wedding ring resized, because it still fits tight around my neck.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My wife and I will probably have lots of kids. Just not with each other.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If somebody tells me and my wife to get a room, I always ask, How about the kitchen?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I built my ex wife a Castle of Love, and she dug a moat and filled it with sharks and lawyers. Oh… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To me, love is either a pebble, a rock, or a boulder. Or a grain of sand, if you’re trying to measure… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wish I had five wives, one for each day of the workweek. This would leave me the weekends to enjoy time… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I got married, I could not have chosen a more gorgeous, loving, or perfect woman to crush than the one I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I tried to knock my wife up, but she’d only let me ring the doorbell. And she made me dress up like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My wife keeps me busy while she talks—I’m not listening, but rather making the air masturbation gesture.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“One day I want to be so wealthy I can say to my wife, “let’s take a drive—to the end of our… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one way you can appreciate me in the bedroom—call my wife and get permission for me.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to fix your broken marriage. You’ll also need duct tape, an empty car trunk, a getaway driver,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to open a broken marriage repair shop. I’m not a counselor or psychologist, but I am a fan of the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I keep my heart in my hope chest. Other items in there are clothes, towels, silverware, and all the love I have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m sure I look memorable in my tuxedo, and she looks gorgeous in her wedding gown. I’ve wanted to marry her since… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Some people put more thought into what kind of car to buy than what kind of mate to marry. I think that's… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Don’t kill your wife—kill your wife’s mother, and make it look like your wife did it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I built my marriage brick by brick. And I destroyed it blanket by blanket. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“At the gun range I can’t hit the paper bull’s eye, no matter how carefully I aim at my wife.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A lot of people like wife swapping. I've got such a great wife I would only swap with a Mormon. It'd have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married. — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want a trophy wife. I’ll keep her on the shelf next to my future Nobel peace prize. (I plan on inventing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Some men want to go out with a bang. Personally, I'd rather not die from sex. I mean, what will my wife… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my last name were Marriagenowsky, and I met another girl with that name, guess what I’d want to do? That’s right—get… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You don’t need gale force winds to push you in the right direction. No, all you need is a good wife to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On my wedding night, I want to make slow, passionate rush hour to my wife at well over three miles an hour.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“While getting a haircut, I thought about my failed marriage. Instead of feeling bad, I thought I’d grow a beard, move to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My name is Mr. Potatohead, and I’m looking for my wife. But I fear I’m too late, and that she’s already part… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“With my wedding photography business, I want repeat customers. So hooray for divorce! That’s why I take lots of pictures—of cheating spouses.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Every time I see my cat licking its asshole I think about my ex wife. But that’s how nostalgia works, right? We… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t want to be the best man at your wedding. I have bigger goals than that! I want to be the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I ran over a dog last night on my way home, and then I wondered what my wife had made for dinner.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I can just find my wife’s foot under the covers, I know everything will be OK. Then I can put that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“And out came an insult with the velocity of a whisper. But I could see I offended, so I zipped up my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
