“With my wedding photography business, I want repeat customers. So hooray for divorce! That’s why I take lots of pictures—of cheating spouses.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am a jealous husband wife, and I feel your pain. All of it, for all of you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If it’s been more than 24 hours, you call the cops and I’ll buy the flowers. I’ll meet you at church, first… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I wear my wedding ring I think of her. I also think of my wife.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to meet and marry a girl with the same last name as me, so I can show how modern and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Don’t kill your wife—kill your wife’s mother, and make it look like your wife did it.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s like Mark Twain once said to his wife, Olivia: “How many times do I have to say it—over the top!” He… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We were getting a divorce. But not from each other. Then we were going to get married. But not to each other.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Funerals and weddings often take place in the same location. Some would also argue that they sometimes happen at the same time… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I work as a husband, but I’m also trying to get employment as a neighbor. Sugar anyone?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My wife won’t talk to me, but that’s OK, because it’s not like I’d listen if she did.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have a rough marriage. It feels like sandpaper, only not as soft and gentle on the anus.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I ran over a dog last night on my way home, and then I wondered what my wife had made for dinner.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn't around to propose to her. — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“What’s with the zombie craze? Zombies are half alive, half dead, right? Sounds like my wife in bed.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Every time I see my cat licking its asshole I think about my ex wife. But that’s how nostalgia works, right? We… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I can just find my wife’s foot under the covers, I know everything will be OK. Then I can put that… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I got married at a good time, though a better time would have been 20 years from now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He told me he had a wife and daughter, and then he showed me a picture of an 8-year-old girl, to which… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to attract a potential life partner. Yes indeed, and it’s how I met my ex wife. And… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
