“Jarod Kintz Day—it’s not just my birthday, but it should be a holiday that’s mandatory to celebrate, punishable by death if you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m like a tree frog when it comes to birthdays. Basically, my thoughts on birthdays can be summed up in two words:… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am a social outcast, shunned by society. Nobody ever invites me to parties. My own birthday avoids me, and only comes… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Birthdays are like presidential elections. I don’t like them, but they still keep coming around every four years.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s my birthday, who could be calling me? Probably my clone, wondering why he hasn’t been born yet.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The event happened on my birthday. I don’t remember the date, I only know it was my birthday because there was no… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If birthdays fell from the sky like Saturdays shaped like saxophones, I’d learn how to play the flute on Tuesdays.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On March 5th, I'm having my birthday celebration. The party starts at midnight, and ends at 12:01 AM. Don't be late!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“How many birthdays can you fit in a shoebox? I guess that depends both on how old you are, and what size… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“At my last birthday party I had fun and really let myself go. Literally. I opened the cages where I keep my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I'm going to wear my birthday suit, even though it barely fits in the middle when I get excited and it stretches… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I think about my clone, random songs pop into my head. Songs like, “Happy Birthday.” Will he celebrate the same birthday… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t like to celebrate my birthday, because I don’t like taking credit for others’ work—in this case, my mom and dad.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am intergenerational. I am not defined by my birthday like I am a generic blade in a generational clump of grass. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Fornication: Do it for the kids. Just not at their birthday parties.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If a magic genie, from a lamp, offered me three wishes, I'd use one to wish you a happy birthday. So 33… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Why celebrate my birthday? My birthday is the product of two people’s—my parents’—hard work. I can’t celebrate what I didn’t earn. However,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Ducks like balloons. Think about THAT next time your child has a birthday party and you choose to not invite all of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My 30th birthday happened once too often to remember fondly. I spilled all my love that night, despite a lid being on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“18 is like two snoozes back to back, or the birthday of two clones, blindfolded, standing back to back.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I got you a birthday present. The box is the exact same size as a coffin.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wouldn’t want the guests at my birthday party confusing my celebration with the Oscars. That’s why I’m having the awards ceremony… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Birthdays are like politicians. I don’t like any of them, but they still keep coming around.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I celebrate my birthday in ways not seen this side of the Old Testament. I celebrate my life like the Dead Sea,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
