“Don’t invite me to my birthday party until the day after it’s happened.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My niece just turned one. I gave her a birthday card that read, "If you can read this, Happy Birthday!” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I know it’s not your birthday, but would you like some birthday dick? It’s on sale today.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Do you need some birthday dick? I once got dick for my birthday—my first birthday, in fact. That’s how they knew I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I made a t-shirt that says, "Today's my birthday" on it, so that I can ask for hugs from strangers and point… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My 30th birthday will be arriving in a few months. It’s not arriving unexpectedly, I just wish it would have given me… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On your birthday you should throw me a party. This is my advice for everybody, especially my clones.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I was a kid, I was just a boy. But that all changed by my 18th birthday. No longer a kid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Can you ever really say you know anybody—your clone included? Still, if my clone’s birthday were coming up, I’d only shop Buy… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A cake for all is not a celebration of one. Cupcakes are the ultimate birthday cake.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“For your birthday I got you some batteries. They’re dead, just like you’ll soon be.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Birthdays, like women named Bertha, are not named after great Aunt Natalie. But you, Natalie, just might be. I’m named after my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We had a blast at my magical birthday party. There were midgets, fairies, glass slippers, and I actually got to ride in… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Birthdays: without them we'd be immortal. But just because you're not immortal, doesn't mean you can't be immature indefinitely.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Even though I believe birthday parties should be given, not taken, I wish someone would take all of mine and hide them… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Boxes of toilet paper make the best birthday presents. They really show I give a shit.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Take me to Happy Birthday Land. It’s open 364 days of the year, and the one day of the year it’s closed… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Growing up, my parents never gave me as much as I wanted for my birthday. For example, one year I wanted a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My birthday is coming up. I was born on March 5th, 1982. Humans have come a long way since then—nearly 30 years,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I was nine minutes late for my last birthday party. And I was nine months on time for my first birthday.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“For your birthday, I got you a box. Hooray! It’s empty, so you can fill it with whatever you want.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Ever since the day I came out of the womb, I’ve had impeccable timing. For example, I somehow managed to be born… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best birthday present is an empty box. Smile, it contains all my love for you.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“How many birthdays can you fit in your lifetime? If you answered "All of them," you should have your genitals ripped out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
