“A brick could be placed on your child’s cafeteria lunch tray, in place of the less appetizing and more unnatural food they… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think all toys should be invisible. Not only would they improve children’s imaginations, but they’d also be really affordable. In fact,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wouldn’t want to work in a nursery, because I can’t deal with children. Or bees. Can I offer you some tea,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I carry all of my childhood memories in my mind. But maybe that’s not the best place for them. Well, you’ve got… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to deliver the darkness on a platter of light. But I’d eat my unborn children straight out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If I don’t clean off the bug corpses that are petrified on my bumper for looks, then what do I do it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The scent of your asshole smells like childhood memories. I mean it would, if I grew up in New Jersey.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Queen always seemed to me to be manufactured championship music—designed to be played in stadiums to get fans hyped up about paying… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Being an only child makes me the oldest child and the youngest child. And the middle child.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to buy designer sunglasses and change my name to The Lunar Child III. It would make me a better lover,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Having kids and making kids are two different hobbies. I don’t have any children, but I do have lots of sex. It… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as a child’s game to improve memory. I forgot how exactly, but then I never played much.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“No matter what I see, I always think, “They just don’t make them like they used to.” Well, except for kids. People… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m 30, and his daughter is 18. He said I was too old for her. So I asked him if I was… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Being a parent is apparently more than most men can handle. This is transparent to even the tiniest child.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Ducks like balloons. Think about THAT next time your child has a birthday party and you choose to not invite all of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“People say, How could God allow helpless children to die? While I look around the world and see corruption, pollution, filth, lies,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll tug at your breasts like a thirsty child. Try not to burn your nipples in my hot coffee. While you’re at… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When I have children I want an even number of boys and girls, and that’s why I want 15 kids—7 boys, 7… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can take care of myself, but I can’t take care of myself and a child. I’ve decided to give myself up… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If kids six and under eat free, then I’m an infant. Or at least infantile. Bring on the steaks.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Every new thought of mine is like my child. And as soon as it is conceived, I must abandon it. I might… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He told me he had a wife and daughter, and then he showed me a picture of an 8-year-old girl, to which… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to replace the brother you never had. Well, it’s only a possibility, but you probably won’t like… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Republicans don’t stand for the beliefs of the right, and Democrats don’t stand for the principles of the left. They each stand… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Your love is my candy, and I wouldn’t dream of trying to give it away to strange children.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To save the environment—and my childhood memories, I merged a gas station pump with a jukebox. Look, my car now runs on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think the best punishment for a misbehaving child is to strap them to a chair and make them listen to Lady… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Because of the age difference, I assumed they were related, mother/daughter. But they weren’t. They were father/son/possible lovers.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My children don’t even know my name, and it’s no excuse that they haven’t even been born yet.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about having children is being able to point at them and proudly proclaim, "Hey, I made those.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A disobedient child is one who blinks of his own volition, without being told to or even looked at. That’s usually when… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Losing a child must be the second most painful thing ever. The most painful thing would be to lose the child, find… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ve got to have kids of my own. If not, who’s going to ascend to my throne?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“In the future, it’ll be my child, but it will be my child’s life, so I must name it not for me,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is two smiles shared between two people. Or two smiles and a smirk, shared between one couple and a jerk. Or… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
