“My brother’s a big dog guy. He’s 7’2” and half man, half man’s best friend.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A wife is a friend first, a lover second, and third and probably most important, a maid.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had to close the door on our friendship, because he kept climbing in through my window.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have a real problem keeping friends. I'm always running out of space in my freezer.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used like a friend, if you’re the sort of person who uses their friends. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My friend Angela, she’s no angel. But my friend Demonica, she’s aptly named.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“After losing my job, I felt the only options available to me were razors, cyanide, or a shot to the face, until… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s hard to find friends I can trust. Most end up either getting shot, stabbed, or I have to tie them up… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My friends call me Two Socks Kintz. They used to call me Barefoot Orafoura, but then someone gave me some socks. That… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My friend had sex with half of all the women in the city. I think he had sex with the lower half… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If a handicapped woman says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask her if that includes parking.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like being right more than I like keeping friends. Certainly this leaves me lonely, but at least I’m always certain.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Friends, like fingers, are only good if you can count on them, as well as point them in the right direction.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be your new best friend. If this appeals to you, it’s probably because people tend to seek the company… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It reminds me of something Zelda told her friend about me when she didn’t think I was listening: “I wish he had… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to say hello to a friend I haven’t spoken to in forever. Forever is a long time,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Jarod Kintz is a friend, a lover, and a loner. Jarod Kintz talks about Jarod Kintz, because Jarod Kintz has nobody else… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Me and a group of friends meeting in private to bond and have fun may appear to outsiders as a shadowy secret… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He’s like my best friend. And I say that only because I have no real friends, and Cap’n is a great listener… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I lean on my friends for support. It’s better than leaning on a crutch, because your friends won’t accuse you of chugging… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Only men who have crouched in the trenches under heavy machine gun fire, and then rose as one to charge the perceived… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On his deathbed, my grandpa told me three things to remember for after he died. First he said, "You can't own a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I made friends with the future. But I’m still friends with the past.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I ran across an old friend of mine yesterday, and I didn’t even attempt to hit the brakes.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll throw some dirty clothes under your car and claim you ran over my anorexic friend.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have two friends, Grand and Ed, but I don’t take them for granted. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My close friends are fond of telling me that I put the “yalt” in loyalty. Well, I don’t know if I’d go… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Only a friend or a giraffe would stick his neck out for you. But only a giraffe would eat all the leaves… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My friends mess around with my friends—and my friends’ bikes. Sex with bicycles—that kind of love is just too fast for me.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To me, a good friend is one who doesn't talk, but who listens all the time. Someone who is observant. Someone who… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I heard my friend’s car wouldn’t start, so I mailed him a parking lot. I should be a politician.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I can be a better friend, lover, and humanitarian, but I can’t be a better eggroll. Sadly, I’m as good of an… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Good friends are like appendages. It's painful to lose one, and crippling to lose two or more.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s been said that you make as much money as the average income of your five closest friends. Well, I have no… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“After years of searching, I finally found love. I found it in the unlikeliest of places: My best friend’s bed, right after… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I'd happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m forced to shower in the closet, because my friend is wearing all my clothes, and he’s in the bathtub at the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
