“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s been said that you make as much money as the average income of your five closest friends. Well, I have no… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“After losing my job, I felt the only options available to me were razors, cyanide, or a shot to the face, until… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
I want to grow a flower for every time someone tells me F*** you. Then Ill go back to that person and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I made friends with the future. But I’m still friends with the past.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He’s like my best friend. And I say that only because I have no real friends, and Cap’n is a great listener… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have a real problem keeping friends. I'm always running out of space in my freezer.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be your new best friend. If this appeals to you, it’s probably because people tend to seek the company… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used as man’s best friend, if you covered it in fur and taught it to bark and shit… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My shoes were all muddy, so before I walked in my friend's house I sprinkled grass clippings all over my feet and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It reminds me of something Zelda told her friend about me when she didn’t think I was listening: “I wish he had… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have two friends, Grand and Ed, but I don’t take them for granted. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Normal is made up of two friends—Norm and Al. That’s twice the number of friends that I have, probably because I’m weirder… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’ll throw some dirty clothes under your car and claim you ran over my anorexic friend.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You’d never been in an elevator before, and I’d never been in love. I said I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“One scoop of ice cream can go a long way. Not to mending friendships, but it can get up to 40 yards… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To me, a good friend is one who doesn't talk, but who listens all the time. Someone who is observant. Someone who… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My brother’s a big dog guy. He’s 7’2” and half man, half man’s best friend.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My friend Angela, she’s no angel. But my friend Demonica, she’s aptly named.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Friends are like orgasms: you can never have too many, but just try to watch out for the fake ones.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On the subject of how to make friends, I would give you some tips, but I just don’t have any. Oh, I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Only a friend or a giraffe would stick his neck out for you. But only a giraffe would eat all the leaves… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A sister should set her brother up with one of her friends, unless her only friend is her sister.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We danced together. We didn’t look graceful, but how could we? She only had one leg and I had my eyes on… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
