“I’m like a staircase, she was like an elevator, and our relationship never escalated above friendship. I’d like to think we’ll one… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Me and a group of friends meeting in private to bond and have fun may appear to outsiders as a shadowy secret… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used like a friend, if you’re the sort of person who uses their friends. ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If a handicapped woman says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask her if that includes parking.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I make friends as easily as water freezes in an active volcano. Remember: handshakes feel more natural if you leave your rubber… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I'd happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“They say there are 7 billion people on earth. I don't know what accountant came up with that number, but in my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My close friends are fond of telling me that I put the “yalt” in loyalty. Well, I don’t know if I’d go… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Only men who have crouched in the trenches under heavy machine gun fire, and then rose as one to charge the perceived… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I have so many friends I couldn’t even count them on one hand—not even if I had six fingers. Now, if I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“How many ways can I say “I love you”? I could say it in another language, like French. I could say it… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My friends call me Two Socks Kintz. They used to call me Barefoot Orafoura, but then someone gave me some socks. That… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to say hello to a friend I haven’t spoken to in forever. Forever is a long time,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to help you become an Olympic swimmer. Tie the brick around your legs and have a friend… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m forced to shower in the closet, because my friend is wearing all my clothes, and he’s in the bathtub at the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Good friends are like appendages. It's painful to lose one, and crippling to lose two or more.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“He’s pale, bald, and bony. He looks like a skeleton. And that, my friend, is precisely why I keep him in my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I dressed up like a horse, and my horse-faced friend dressed up like a jockey. This worked out great, because I ended… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s hard to find friends I can trust. Most end up either getting shot, stabbed, or I have to tie them up… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“On his deathbed, my grandpa told me three things to remember for after he died. First he said, "You can't own a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A wife is a friend first, a lover second, and third and probably most important, a maid.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Jarod Kintz is a friend, a lover, and a loner. Jarod Kintz talks about Jarod Kintz, because Jarod Kintz has nobody else… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I like being right more than I like keeping friends. Certainly this leaves me lonely, but at least I’m always certain.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My friend had sex with half of all the women in the city. I think he had sex with the lower half… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
