“Walking is so monotonous. Left, right, left, right, it’s also all so political.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don’t think our president is doing a good job, but I think he’s doing a great vacation.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Make your vote count. Be the guy responsible for counting and tallying all the votes.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Birthdays are like politicians. I don’t like any of them, but they still keep coming around.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Before you enter politics, I pray you lose your anal virginity to a unicorn.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Politically, Republicans and Democrats are at opposite ends. One’s a burp and the other’s a fart.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Mr. Shit gives politicians a good name. It’s the rest of the politicians who give Mr. Shit a bad name.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I vote to have my vote voided—which means my vote won’t count even when it counts, and it will count even when… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The difference between a politician and a helmet full of feces, is the politician doesn’t need to wear protective headgear, because he’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’d make a great politician. I’d make it out of pig shit, so it wouldn’t be as foul as it is now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A politician’s word is like a thick tree branch, and the people are all hanging on it. Well, I’ve got noose for… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s nothing special about politicians as people. Now as animals, they’d be extraordinary for their ability to be intelligent enough (barely) to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Can America get back to a point where politicians are honest? Not unless that point is the tip of a sword.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am the minister in The Ministry of Scarcity, but I’m not ordained because they were out of the paper they use… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You vote Democrat even if you vote Republican, because they’re two sides of the same coin. So stop flipping that coin. The… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wish somebody would combine tasers and dildos, and test the devices out on all the politicians in Washington DC. Well, all… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Let’s all roll up our sleeves and get back to work. Or let’s create jobs where other people roll up other people’s… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Republicans don’t stand for the beliefs of the right, and Democrats don’t stand for the principles of the left. They each stand… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nobody is either honest or dishonest. Life is a gradient, and a saint might be an 8.7, and a dirtbag politician might… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I painted my walls yellow, with melted butter, because I recently discovered that I had a popcorn ceiling. It’s this kind of… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I wouldn’t mind politicians lying to me, stealing from me, or senselessly making life difficult if they didn’t try to claim they… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Politics are like shoes. On one side you have the left, and on the other side you have the right. And every… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Politicians give criminals a bad name. A bad name like a bad word like shit.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Politics isn’t dirty. And neither are politicians. No, politicians are filthy.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I serve the people. Am I a politician? No, I’m just a greedy and corrupt waiter.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I just stepped in shit, and now I’ve got political rhetoric all over my shoes.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If politicians lived to be only 30-years-old before dying, that’d still be 30 years too long.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“This is America. Every vote counts. Sometimes twice, if it helps me get elected.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It is possible to be a retard and a politician. In fact, it’s almost a prerequisite.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I watch my feet as I walk along. Left, right, left, right, why is everything about politics?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“This presidential election will be as electric as an eel—and just as snakelike.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“It’s only a problem until you ignore it. Come on, that’s Politics 101.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think it’s OK to rape as many people as possible, and that’s precisely why I’m going into politics.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“We have a love so pure that it makes snow seem yellow. (Don’t eat it!)” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“There’s only one piece of clothing I could eat fast, and that’s a scarf.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
